the burlington subaru is a front

by katlipari

Like every other bitch in this state I drive a Subaru. Lovely car, love the way it takes me places, great honk noise, heated seats, the list is endless. I do not have a problem with my Subaru or anyone else’s Subaru to be honest, however I do have an issue with the Burlington Subaru on 351 Shelburne Road. 

Like I said, I very much enjoy my Subaru and its functions, but recently when I come to a stop my steering wheel starts to turn when I have given it no instruction to do so. I know what you are saying now “Oh you just need your tires aligned” and to that I say NO NO NO! Last year I brought my lovely Subaru legacy to the Burlington Subaru and got my tires realigned. All is well! They even gave me a free car wash coupon! Amazing! Until I slow to a stop and my steering wheel fails me again… Unbelievable. Now wait till my father, the inventor of the Toaster Strudel, hears about this! I explained to my dad that my steering wheel is still turning and I am sick of it! And so another appointment is scheduled, exactly one month after their first deception. 

Once again, I find myself at the Burlington Subaru. They say nope your car is fine, we do not see any problems, the tires are fine everything is a-okay! To which I say, it is not a-okay! After some convincing they finally identified the problem, something with the steering rack, I can not be bothered to remember what it was, all I know was when I was told that there was a problem with my rack I knew something was up. MY RACK? I beg to differ. Something strange is occurring at the Burlington Subaru and I will not have it.

I exchanged many phone calls with “Ashley” of Burlington Subaru. She tells me they have to order some part for my car, yeah okay “Ashley” whatever. I instruct her to call my dad.As much as I like to defy stereotypes, I know very little about cars. “Ashley” still calls me. No, call my dad! Then my dad calls me, I believe this is what they call “phone tag.” He tells me they need the car for a little longer to order some part and do all this stuff. And he is fed up. He hits me with the “I’m not paying for that” which honestly I get. We just paid for my tires to get realigned and they said okay you are good to go, when I was not! The drama continues and truthfully I have blocked it all out. The Burlington Subaru is one of my personal hells.

About a week later “Ashley” calls me and tells me my car is ready. Yeah I am sure it is “Ashley.” As excited as I am to get my car back, I have no transportation! My friends with cars on campus are busy and it is nearing 6:00 p.m. and the Burlington Subaru is about to close. Both Uber and Lyft are failing me, saying there are no drivers available. I am frantic, the bus is my last resort and nothing! The transit app tells me to walk for 10 minutes, get on the blue line for 5 minutes and then walk for another 20 minutes. Might as well not take the bus. Ridiculous! I check back to Uber and a beacon of hope is shining through, Jackie will pick me up in 7 minutes and I will make it to the Burlington Subaru! Huzzah! My troubles are over! My day is turning around until I see the cost of the trip, $17.31. 17 DOLLARS FOR 3 MILES? I am being pranked. Uber and the Burlington Subaru are in cahoots! I know it! But what else can I do? I schlep over to my ride and join Jackie in my wildly expensive adventure. 

I arrive feeling defeated. Whatever, just give me my car “Ashley.” She gives me the rundown about my rack and how they fixed it and all, shoutout to my boomer dad for letting them have it over the phone because the bill was a whopping $0. Silver lining I guess. I get my car and hope to never return to that silly little place ever again. I call my dad in the car utilizing the lovely bluetooth system my lovely little Subaru has, but I can’t appreciate that right now; I just paid $17.31 for an Uber. I tell my dad of my struggles through tears and he decides to Venmo me $20, giving me extra to buy some ice cream for my troubles. Little does he know that the University Marché charges $6.52 for Ben and Jerry’s, but I will take what I can get. Finally I am at peace with my lovely little Subaru.

Or so I thought! Any guesses as to what my issue is? My goddamn steering wheel has a mind of its own once again, I decide not to tell my dad. I have given up and I endure these struggles through the rest of the semester and over the summer. I think I am off the hook, I mean at this point I have gotten used to it, when I come to a stop I just really grip my steering wheel, it has become a little quirk of my lovely Subaru. However, my dad takes my car to get an inspection and my cover is blown. He says to me “Hey Kat do you notice your steering wheel pulls when you drive?” WHAT? No! My lovely Subaru? Never! But I can’t keep this act up forever and once again I have an appointment at the Burlington Subaru. This time I go on a test drive with “Cody.” Whenever “Cody” comes to a stop nothing happens, my quirk is gone. Now I look like a complete fool. I plead with him, “I promise it happens” I tell him. We return to the Burlington Subaru and they tell me nothing is wrong with my car. Wait till my dad hears this! I tell him they don’t believe me! They’re gaslighting me! They’re gaslighting this girlboss! Now my dad gets on the phone with “Cody” I am not sure what he says, but once again, they find something.

At this point I have a sneaking suspicion that there are elements of sexism at the Burlington Subaru. I told “Cody” that there was a problem and he belittled me, but oh no when Steve calls them and tells him that there is a problem, there is a problem. This has not been the only common theme between my visits; time does not exist in the lobby of the Burlington Subaru. Each time I am told that it will take 30 minutes to an hour to fix my lovely Subaru, but then they end up having my car for a week! I am getting sick of the lies, but what can I do? “Cody” and “John” (they could have come up with some more unique names, it’s like they aren’t even trying) tell me that they have to order a part and my car will be ready tomorrow (Wednesday). Yeah okay whatever.

Wednesday rolls around and no dice. No phone call, nothing. Then Thursday I get a call from “Cody” he says the part should be in later that day and my car will be ready Friday. Hmm I guess. Friday comes and nothing. I decide to pull out the big guns and let my dad know of my troubles and he gives “Cody” a call. The part hasn’t come in yet and my car will be ready Saturday. Saturday comes and “Cody” calls me, my car is ready! Whoop-dee-doo! But he hits me like a Subaru Forester, and says there needs to be a manager to sign off on my car and there won’t be one until Monday. Okay, so my car isn’t ready then, quit lying. I ask if they’ll be open Monday, thinking he is aware that it is Indigenous People’s day. He essentially slaps me in the face, “Yeah it’s a Monday… we’re open.” I fire back, “well ‘Cody’ it is a holiday.” He informs me that the big man, Mr. Subaru that is, does not give them the day off, okay I was not making small talk I just want my car!

Monday comes and I am at the Burlington Subaru. At this point I have been to hell and back one too many times. Once again they inform me of whatever they did and I was like okay sure whatever gimme the keys. You will never guess what happens when I drive away… MY FUCKING STEERING WHEEL TURNS. 

I call my dad, I tell him that I would like a federal investigation into the Burlington Subaru, my steering wheel feels extremely loose and it still turns on its own. It seems like all they did was spray some WD-40 and call it a day. I am irate, my lovely Subaru has been tainted by the Burlington Subaru.

There must be something more going on in that building and I will get to the bottom of it even if it takes me becoming a mechanic and changing my entire identity. I will find out what is happening in that dreaded building if it’s the last thing I do.

Categories: around town, kat lipari, nov. 9, vol 25

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