evil vikings be like: minimalism

by kelseydeemer

Less is more, so I’ve heard. Internet girls tell me that all the time. Lifestyle influencers are always trying to be minimalist. Not in a, like, poor way. But in a, like, chic, boho way. They’re always talking about, “come take a tour of my closet with me!” and the closet is a shelf that has 

One (1) pair of lightwash jeans

Two (2) pairs of workout shorts

One (1) sundress, to be railed in and

One (1) set of pajamas! So comfy

Which is super cute! Sure! I’m really happy that she can fit her whole wardrobe in a backpack. Perfect for packing up and moving to Hawaii! A microscopic closet makes coloizing island regions a breeze. Applying pressure to the housing, food, and water shortage can be hard! Not paying for extra bags makes it easier. 

Seriously though, I doubt this minimalist closet act would work anywhere outside a tropical climate. You could certainly never pull this shit off in our Burlington, Vermont. The average daytime winter temperature in Hawaii is 78˚F. I started double layering my pants three weeks ago and only November! She has seven pieces in her entire wardrobe and today I am wearing eight. I counted. 

Her closet is fun to rip on but that is not the root of my disdain. Rather is the claim that these girls can live out of a suitcase. Like, Live live? I am disillusioned. Is it so bold of me to assume that she might want to play a board game? Or cook something every now and again? A cookie sheet and scrabble are at least two cubic feet of that suitcase. When a minimalist white girl invites her friends over for dinner does she ask them to bring their own bowl? BYOB? Actually, this argument is falling flat. I doubt she invites people over for dinner very often. She probably operates perfectly well with her tableware collection of one bowl and spoon.

Speaking of BYOB, I’m sure nordic warlords would have something to say about this certain breed of white girl minimalism. Norwegian captains used to extend invitations, “Meet at Fryøia Peninsuala at daybreak, we sail for three days and three nights to find the Mother Sea Squid, aquavit provided, BYOB,” standing for, of course, bring your own boat. 

The old Scandinavian proverb, “big boatliness is closest to godliness” rings true beyond the Gulf of Bothnia. There is no better way to reinforce that you are a cool guy than to have a fucking massive navy. Imagine if the Norse-Gaels replied “Nah we’re actually trying this new Shaline Woodley thing where you condense your fleet into a carry on for easy travel.” No way baby! Gimme your ships, your sailboats, your rowboats and more! We have a Queen Sea Monster to slay! You know where minimalism will get you? Being chopped into little pieces by said Queen Sea Monster. 

There is no one as inconsiderate as a white minimalist influencer girl. Her lifestyle is unsustainable. She lives in the “have few clothes, consume few goods, generate less demand,” kind of way, but we need to start focusing on the “having the biggest dick in the naval race” kind of sustainability. I’m no ecorep but even I know that acquiring tens of battle ships that are sailed every day is more sustainable than being a pretentious bitch on YouTube. Maximalism rules. I want ships and I henceforth declare that minimalism drools.

Categories: kelly duggan, nov. 9, reflections, vol 25

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