a lake of opportunity

by owencarpenter-zehe

I WANT TO GAMBLE!!! Let me be more specific, I want to gamble, on a boat. Let me be more specific once more, I want to gamble, but I ONLY want to gamble if it’s on a boat.  Okay, one more time, I ONLY WANT  TO GAMBLE IT IS ON A LOUISIANA STYLE RIVERBOAT CASINO THAT IS ON LAKE CHAMPLAIN! And in this article I will explain why I think you should want to too. 

I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and I have come to the realization that boats are awesome. In general, I would argue that boats make no sense, what is their purpose? Why did humans want to cross water so badly that they built boats? Why do they have to look like that? Even the word “boat” is weird. Say it a few times yourself and you’ll see what I mean.  The issue is once you see a speed boat flying through a lake at 60 miles per hour, with its sleek purple and white color combination, the only thing you can do is look upon it in shock and awe. Then you shift your eyes to look upon the driver: bearded, wearing a flannel to go swimming, and wearing sunglasses so reflective they could make the sun squint. You want to be that man… I want to be that man.

Coinciding with this discovery of the awesomeness of boats, I had been doing my late teen to early twenties male duty and playing a lot of poker and/or blackjack. Over the summer where my intrigue into boats began, I taught many 14-year-olds how to play the beautiful game at camp. Decimating them for all their worth. With the feeling of elation when the jack of diamonds is placed onto the table, completing my hand, being unparalleled. There are no stimuli that compare to winning the pop-tarts off of a 14-year-old boy who had, 5 minutes prior, called you a boob. There was only one thing that bothered me… these games were taking place on land.

I don’t know about you, but I find land incredibly boring. Like really what is the point of the still ground. This might be recency bias, but land just doesn’t captivate my attention as the water does. Land does not sway back and forth and make people vomit. Land does not provide fun jargon you can spit out. You cannot say “ dingy of the port bow,” or “I’ll pay for that with these doubloons” on dry land, you’ll look like a huge fool. The land is the status quo, but the water, or more specifically the lake is where the true opportunity lies.

It took long enough, but it finally it hits me during my daily round of boat research; there is a boat that combines both my love of stealing wealth and my hatred of dry land. I saw a picture of the magnificent vessel and I stared at the screen for 15 minutes. What it was a white, 450-foot beauty of a vessel named The Treasure Chest. It has  2800 slot machines and 200 card tables, for all your gambling needs. The interior was decorated as if it was out of the 1890s; fit with all the old dressings of the past. The only thing new is the Shark Tank Slot Machines and the White Claws you can buy at the bar. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, and I yearn to be on one soon. 

The issue besides gambling being illegal in Vermont, there is no vessel like The Treasure Chest for 1000 miles of this stupid liberal state. What I am suggesting is there is a joint operation between the states of New York and Vermont, to provide the people of Lake Champlain some fun. I am suggesting they buy and operate a boat that roams the lake, creating joy and money for all who join. All there is to do in this stupid state is go into the outdoors.

  As I said before, land sucks, and if the only thing I can do for fun is to go deeper into land and not have WIFI, then something must be fixed. Imagine, you are sitting in your dorm writing some paper, and forever glinting in the corner of your eye is a beautiful party boat bumping around the lake. You can hear the bumping of the club music and smell the money in the air. Getting wafts of alcohol smell Then a day later it goes away; leaving to go bring joy to Middlebury. Then, a week later, it docks back at Waterfront Park bringing joy back to this town.

I am twenty years old, and as a future twenty-one-year-old who loves boats, I would like to lose all my money on top of a body of water. I want to feel the sway of the waves as I earn enough money for a sandwich off of a poor old woman at poker. It is criminal that this opportunity is not given to me. When I toured this school they kept saying how great the town was, but they strategically forgot to say there was no riverboat casino on the lake. They need to write this wrong and provide state-run gambling to the citizens of this town.

Categories: nov. 9, owen carpenter, side bar, vol 25

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