WASHINGTON: On Tuesday morning, October 26th, President Joe Biden made an unannounced appearance in the White House press room to personally introduce his new executive order declaring Halloween Tricks to be a felony offense.
This decision comes on the heels of a weeks-long national supply chain failure, which has resulted in hundreds of cargo ships moored off the coast of California, the state through which most American goods are imported. As a result of this shortage, access to Halloween Treats is expected to be limited, which will likely lead to an increase in trickery, as occurred during the 1973 Oil Crisis and the Canadian October Crisis of 1970.
“In this modern day and age, we just can’t afford to have young folks messing up our homes, Jack,” Biden said, ignoring the questions of the press corps. “And listen man, don’t worry about the treats. This week, we’re fixing the supply chain. Everyone will have plenty of treats come Sunday.”
Despite the president’s assurances, some experts see his trick ban as a sign that treats will not be available. “Historically, the US Government tends to criminalize delinquent behavior shortly before it expects a drastic rise,” said Dr. James Bean, professor of Political Science at the University of Glasgow (Kentucky). “We saw this with cocaine in the mid eighties. Congress passed the Anti Drug Abuse Act in 1986, right at the height of the CIA-Contra cocaine imports.”
Other experts concurred with Dr. Bean’s analysis. Army psychiatrist Col. Reinhardt Schaften (Ret.), author of The Big Trick: How Youth Delinquency Led to Civilian Casualties in Iraq, Syria, Somalia, Nicaragua, El Salvador, Chile, Guatemala, Iran, Indonesia, Argentina, Bolivia, Germany, Italy, Vietnam, Korea, Mexico, Canada, and the USA, claims that the JSOC had studied a direct correlation between youthful Halloween Trickery and war crimes in officers of Delta Force, the Navy Seals, and the Green Berets.
However, there isn’t complete consensus on if the order is a bad sign. Representative Samantha Bosom (R-AK) put out a statement today in support of what she described as an “uncharacteristic move” by Biden—who she considers to be a pretender to the office—saying that “The new Executive Order is a show of support for our police amidst the injustices our brave anti-vax officers have received in these past weeks. Following the unprecedented increase in felony crime we’ll soon be seeing, embattled LEOs across the nation will be flooded with invitations to return to work.
While many of America’s favorite treats are out of stock, trick supplies such as toilet paper, eggs, safety pins, lighters, and shaving cream are not. It’s expected that the increase in TP vandalism could rise up to 96% from last year’s historic low, which would make it 40% above the ten-year average. Egging is predicted to see much smaller increase from the average—a mere 12%—while shaving cream spraying could rise a respectable 29% above mean, demonstrating a solid recovery from its low in the lumberjack beard years of the past decade.