by chadjohnson

There is just simply nothing like the sweet, pungent aroma of BO that emanates from every uvm frat boy and basement. Stepping into a frat house is truly a magical experience. Like stepping through the wardrobe into Narnia, but like a sweatier, noisier Narnia that doesn’t have that sexy lion. 🙁 I’m not sure exactly what keeps bringing me back to those eternally moist basements that we all know and love, but as the brilliant Gandhi once said, “I like getting fucked up.” What’s the point of a weekend if I can’t grab 10 of my closest friends (some cool ass people that I swear I’ll remember in the morning… spoiler alert: I won’t) and stumble around together from one house to the next like the noisiest herd of zombies you’ve ever seen?

 Speaking of zombies, as Halloween weekend approaches, I’ve been dying to know the answer that’s surely been on everyone’s mind: If you were to go trick or treating to all of our lovely frat houses, what “treats” would you receive from our beloved resident brothers? After countless weekends of serious scientific research, I have arrived at the following conclusions:  

 Delta Tau Delta

• Fuckin Milkduds Bro: Delta is the symbol for change, which is exactly what the boys here simply refuse to do. Despite going on middle aged, these fuckwits refuse to leave the cradle of their college town, and thusly all their candy is like, 70 years old. Who even eats Milk Duds anymore? Who besides DTD, I guess. Dirty boomers.
• Ok Boomer 2/10

 Delta Upsilon

• One of Those Toilet Cleaner Brush Things: You have so many, and for what? I just wanted to take a nice pee, maybe drop a dookie if I’m feeling feisty. Now I’m surrounded by those weirdly long brushes and not a single roll of toilet paper. Makes me wonder what y’all do after pooping.
• Be who you areeee, for your priiiiiiide. 6/10

 Kappa Sigma

• The Cheese Touch: This whole building used to be a Pizza Hut. Can you imagine the evil stench? The vile reality of slices left to fester in the walls for generations. Maybe thats what you will get when you arrive with your basket expecting goodies. 
• No one out pizza’s the hut 5/10

 Phi Mu Delta

• A Broken Femur: Walking down these dudes’ steep-ass stairs should be considered an extreme sport. It takes so much fucking willpower to not smash my head on the low-hanging ceiling or fall to a horrible tragic death that I should honestly be considered an Olympian athlete at this point. I will say I do enjoy the adrenaline rush of impending death though.
• Architecture: Learn About It. 8/10

 Pi Kappa Alpha

• That ~Je Ne Se Quois~ in the Drinks: Damn I love jungle juice… wait–
• wHy iS iT sPiCy 3/10

 Alpha Gamma Rho 

• Eggs: Chicken frat. This makes sense. Plus, you can launch them right back.
• “Do you wanna see the chickens?” 5/10. (Well… maybe 4.5)

Sigma Phi

• Nothing: them fuckers love lists more than their own mothers. yo why u need a house that big if u aint letting half the people in. they wouldn’t give me anything even if i came dressed in a whole ass pussy costume. well… maybe gonorrhea.
• pretentious dickheads 1/10

Categories: around town, oct. 26, vol 25