As a neuroscience major, I’m always hearing about the differences between animal and human brains. This is mostly because scientists think it’s fine to inject straight up cocaine into the brains of rats just to see what will happen. But there’s a little known fact which I’ve heard rumored in the closest of inner circles in the hallowed halls of Innovation (est. 2017). On dark, dark days when it is pitch black out at 6 PM, there are whispers… that when pets are forced into costumes by their owners the pets actually become the things that they dress as to other pets. Although this idea was hidden to prevent mass hysteria and nuclear war, I only want the Watertower readers to know the truth. Therefore, I am going to list several pet costumes for you and their terrifying effects on what job one dog thinks another dog has. Read closely, I had to go to incredible lengths to get this information.
Dr. Dog: When a dog gets dressed in a wonderful little lab coat with scrubs and a stethoscope, people tend to think “Man, that’s such a cute dog in a doctor costume.” But we have no idea. In the dog world, that dog had to go through uncountable years of brutal schooling to earn those scrubs. That dog faces the terrors of the American healthcare system daily. Other dogs will look at it and go: “wow, that dog didn’t disappoint its parents.” Not only that, but it’s no coincidence that Dr. Dog shares the same name as the 1999 indie rock band, Dr. Dog. By day, Dr. Dog must face the perils of the hospital, but at night, it dons a skin suit to become lead singer Scott McMicken. The dog in a doctor costume is a visionary, a true testament to the tenacity of healthcare workers and Scott.
Dog carrying beer costume: This costume is just completely tragic. This dog costume where the dog is carrying a box of beer may make other dogs believe this dog is just a social drinker that likes a little fun on the weekends. But this dog is trapped in a devastating cycle of addiction. By day, he works an office job, a slave to capitalism. His only escape is the dog bar and the bottom of his beer.
Prisoner dog: The prison industrial complex is truly one of the most evil creations of modern America, and this dog in a prison costume knows that all too well. With 20 years for dealing catnip, this dog is profited off of through prison labor at the hands of a private prison which earned way too much money for incarcerating it. The only bright side is the Sodexo food which is served daily. Thanks Sodexo, for giving dog food to all the dog private prisons <3.
Guinea Pig Frankenstein: The guinea pig Frankenstein costume is terrifying in its implications. Any guinea pig which wears it must have died and been brought back to life by a fun scientist guinea pig, meaning that it treads a dangerous line- between guinea pig and some monster. But who really is the monster— the Frankenstein guinea pig or the normal guinea pigs who treat their fellow pig so terribly. Maybe being a true guinea pig doesn’t depend on life or death, but the kindness which they show to other guinea pigs. That is true altruism.
Categories: Catherine Fauver, oct. 26, Uncategorized, vol 25, water cooler