halloween candy but a better title

by ashlingo’dwyer

Halloween candy but a better title

Ashling O’Dwyer

With the approaching spooky spirit that has crept into the drug store candy aisles around the states, I felt it necessary to do what the rest of you were too afraid to do: get stoned to the point of astral planing and rate Halloween Candy so you don’t have to. You’re welcome, I know I’m comparable to a war hero, please save your applause, you don’t have to say it, I already know. 

Candy Corn:

To start off we have one of the most notoriously controversial Halloween treats in existence: it’s candy, shaped like kernels of corn, which creates a corn shape when stacked. Amazing. I love it, it looks AND tastes like fall!?, and something about the crunch when I’m absolutely baked is downright inspirational. 

100 Grand:

The hundred grand good crunch caramel when cold is really difficult so I’m like lowkey choking on it but it’s no big deal (that’s what she said) when it’s warmer, very good, good texture, solid chocolate case. Just like, mmm tasty and just like all the other good qualities. Worth a hundred grand.

Peanut M&M’s

Peanut M&M’s are the best M&M’s of all of the M&M’s. They have a perfect shell chocolate filling ratio which is distributed perfectly, the crunch to crisp to softness of the peanuts of shells chocolate is magnifique if you will. Very good when cold in the freezer or in the fridge also fine warm, overall good, amazing, beautiful, perfect, I’m in love with them actually. 10 out of 10 to Peanut M&M’s 

Regular M&M’s

Regular regular M&M’s I don’t really like chocolate that much so it’s not the best cause you’re really chocolate but really good crunch when cold, really good crunchy cold but also fuck them becauce they aren’t the mini ones you can eat like a wild horse. 6 out of 10 

Almond Joy:

Almond Joy is quite literally knee-slapping worthy good I love Almond Joy that is a controversial opinion and I’m very well aware of something about the perfect coconut almond milk chocolate together so good Chef kiss I don’t understand I really don’t understand the hate at all because it is so good sometimes I don’t eat the Almond I will be honest however I have an eating it more recently I’ve been consuming more nut if you will anyway that’s what I said personally 7.5 out of 10. 


Twix is a strong contender for one of the best chocolate candies in my opinion. It’s got the wafer, it’s got the chocolate, but not too much and most importantly it’s got the caramel. The crunch to softness ratio is fucking groundbreaking it’s so good. I feel it’s important to note that this is, infact, a left Twic, making it superior because fuck right Twic. Just really a good mouth experience and perhaps the only candy that could convince me that God exists. 11/10

Sour Patch Watermelon:

Sour Patch watermelons are a staple trick or treat candy. They taste amazing not like any other Watermelon candy, they have their own watermelon to be a perfect amount of watermelon in the most like watermelon way. It was good you know it’s like a real good end sweet but sour you’re so sweet and sour way first they’re sour then they’re sweet. 10/10

Sour Patch Kids:

Orange orange Sour Patch Kid let me snort Sour Patch sugar Orange Crush flavor with good consistency, a little bit of squeeze and pull with a bit of crispness. Green I very much like, I never had a real appreciation for it before right now. Do you know when your saliva glands salivary glands what are they called and those when they shoot so much spit out that it hurts because something is so flavorful or so amazing or intense in one flavor and sour patch kids do that and they’re so good and I love them. Worth more than a real child.

Swedish Fish:

My dad says that Swedish Fish are the perfect airplane candy and I have to agree they do taste very airplane in the most airplane way but not necessarily in a good way. I love the texture but I can’t have too many because they get sickening. The bag is simply the perfect serving of them. I feel like when I was a kid I would want to eat a whole bag but now I eat like one or two and I’m like yeah that’s good. Great texture, indescribable taste that I’m not sure how to feel about. 7.6/10

Kit Kat:

Architecture: learn about it. Kit Kat has it down to a parallelogram-rectangle, Inca-Mayan type architecture thing so as you can see good historical roots in the Kit Kat advertising. Smooth milky crunch of the wafer simply and lightly layers provide layers of texture layers. I hate the Kardashians but I stand by the Kourtney Kardashian method of eating a KitKat it is the only way and turns eating chocolate into a fucking religious experience. Crunch: excellent, filling: Kit Kat, eating experience: life changing, rating: 11/10.


Snickers Snickers Snickers here we go yum okay big bushy for my taste but the caramel makes it worth it. It has a bit warm texture, there’s a little bit of like saltiness to it salty and it’s it’s just like salted caramel I could definitely do without the peanuts though, but I do appreciate the structure and backbone they provide like a massage on my teeth. 9/10.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups:

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, peanut butter jelly time peanut butter jelly time peanut butter jelly time so like immediately going to be marked worse because they’re so warm right now and it’s making them melty but if they’re cold they’re nice and crisp. What I appreciate about peanut butter cups is in the milkiness of the chocolate on the outside mixed with the butter inside. I love peanut butter and the sweetness of the chocolate makes it a million times better. Just like really fuckin good, perfect ratio definitely the perfect ratio. 10/10

Categories: oct. 26, review, vol 25

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