top 5 gifts from granny

by sophiewolfe

5. The Bible

Not very handy. Good old Debbie delivered this tome with good intentions, but it’s not going to undo any of your sins at this point. Plus it’s a bit of a nuisance: bulky, unwieldy, doesn’t come in a lot of cute colors. You definitely can’t use it for some kind of quirky, unassuming dorm decoration, because what happens if some very cool, very atheistic heathen comes over and clocks the literal Bible sitting on your desk? They will be outta there faster than, as the saying goes, a whore in church. But you still can’t bring yourself to throw it out? Maybe that’s the Catholic guilt, or the fear of being smote. Maybe it’s just you kinda love your grandma. Awwww.

4. Giant Container of Cough Drops

Again, there are good intentions here. Arleen doesn’t want you to get sick! She knows how cold it gets up there in the godless land of Vermont, and she hasn’t forgotten about the vague immunodeficiency your mom is always insisting you must have. She’s just trying to look out, but the 100-count bag of Natural Herb Ricolas is overdoing it somewhat. And your roommates don’t seem that pumped about the idea of sharing. The communal bowl you put out in the hallway remains untouched, gathering dust, attracting cobwebs. Those cough drops will outlive you. They’ll definitely outlive Arleen. 

3. Socks from Random Pharmacy

Granny likes to put in an appearance at her local random ass drug store, the one down on the corner that is inevitably run by a pair of high school dropouts or a particularly surly pack of rats. Many of Myrtle’s heartwarming care packages seem to originate in this horribly-lit shit factory, including the most recent pair of socks held together by a single string. Fuzzy socks made of pure polyester and love, printed with a bunch of snowmen wearing pilgrim hats or something. It’s never clear what holiday the socks are supposed to be celebrating, but damn if they aren’t cozy as hell.  

2. Plastic Rabbit That Shits Out Candy 

It’s Easter, every memaw’s favorite holiday! Time for another delicately curated care package for her favorite depraved college student! What can she get you that will remind you of just how much Jesus died for your sins? It could only be a little plastic bunny rabbit that magically explodes with tiny spheres of chocolate candy at the press of a button. Nothing says He Is Risen like the pained smile frozen on that poor rodent’s elastic face. It’s a timeless classic. Everyone knows chocolate tastes better fresh from the ass of a plastic toy. 

1. Loose Twenty Dollar Bill

Congratulations, you’ve reached the apex, the pinnacle of all gifts from grandma. You almost don’t see it, swimming around in there amid the confusing detritus of the USPS box. But, at the last minute, your eye catches it and you’re saved. Your worries fade, your skin clears. Suddenly your homework is finished and the paper you just wrote is not stupid or derivative. You hold the crumpled twenty in your hand. Grandma was right. God does exist.



Categories: oct. 12, review, sophie wolfe, vol 25

%d bloggers like this: