the three needs: boges, beers, billiards

by benbieri

The increasing popularity of local watering hole Three Needs has not gone unnoticed by local feudal capitalists. Mass influx of A list celebrity sightings at Thneeds has driven other local Burlington bars to extend their services and attempt to attract the elite frequently sighted wining and dining with the patrons of Burlington’s new favorite relaxation spot.This friendly competition has led to the various other bars around this shitstain we call a town adopting rather peculiar business tactics. We at the Water Tower decided to investigate both the tactics themselves and the ramifications they might have upon the Burlington nightlife and the fabric of space time itself.

claire fagan

Everyone’s favorite larping spot Lincoln’s has adopted the tamest of all the bars, and has hired lookalikes to re-enact the assassination of the titular 16th President, with the twist of actual gore and violence at the center of the performance. So far they are already responsible for the brutal execution of 11 men, and one woman, and advertisements for their gruesome act have begun appearing all over town. When pressed on the legality of this act, they responded: “Well, the police are too busy fingering each other’s assholes and harassing college kids on burner twitter accounts to do anything about the copious amounts of murder we are committing, so getting away with it is actually quite easy. The difficult part is continuing to find Abe Lincoln look-a-likes. The one we have tonight is only 5’6,” and he’s the last truly good one around. If you or any friends bear even a passing resemblance, or wish to simply take advantage of life insurance loopholes, then we have the opportunity for you!”

Red Square’s various attempts to garner support from an increasingly Needs-inclined Burlingtonian populace include: simply offering head to patrons during Duff Hour, which drew in support from a demographic perhaps distasteful to those who staffed the bar itself. After this milder attempt had failed, the bar decided to open their Stargate to public access, offering discounted trips through the cosmos and back into the past during happy hour. Perhaps they can revisit a time when anyone would want to go drinking in a disgusting place like that. Also their live music is so fucking loud and obnoxious and they’re so tasteless just go somewhere else it’s not worth it I swear to god this isn’t even a joke.

Finally, Archives, a popular novelty venue in its own right, has adopted only two new policies. One, they finally built Mayor Miro a little glass box next to the bar so that he can sit and be publicly shamed, inciting great arousal on his behalf. This has led to mixed reviews, as some braver souls are happy to put tell him what a disgusting little pig slut he is, just a fucking little bitch cuck whore who deserves to be flogged in public and stripped naked and twirled about like a little piggy in a dress, kissing up with the cops like the swine he is. Most patrons, however, are made very uncomfortable with his public indecency, and wish for the tyrant’s term to end.

Their more attractive attraction was opening the Archives Archives, a labyrinth of tunnels and rooms and data that spread for miles under Burlington, documenting every sin you ever committed, and every missed opportunity that took place even in your mind. Archives read your thoughts, and offer you the opportunity to revisit them now, and suffer shame and regret like no other. The archives beneath Archives are a treacherous place, with many patrons having both been reported missing and subsequently been reported as becoming part of the displays down there in the depths themselves. One Water Tower reporter, braver than most, led an expedition down into the tunnels that lasted for almost a week, and have come back with a different face and the ability to speak Latin fluently, claiming to now serve the Dark Lords and the Seven Above It. The tunnels begin to slant down the further you go into them, and some have reported smelling brimstone and sulfur before chickening out like little bitches.

Will any of this stop the rolling mass that is Thneeds? Maybe not, as their vibes are pretty epic and the couches are pretty comfy. Also I got head there once and it was better than the Red Square head so I’m gonna go back there anyway. It was from your mom btw. Just so you know. 8===d

Categories: around town, ben bieri, claire fagan, oct. 12, vol 25

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