the first annual simp city marathon

by lucypowell

I managed to spend 10 hours and 40 minutes in Simp City. My desire to loiter for as long as possible  can be traced back to last year when I was kicked out of the dining halls everyday (by none other than THE Bonnie, we don’t have a good standing with each other). I am literally not kidding, I spend at least two to three hours per meal in the dining halls and I guess that was unacceptable? Anyway, my mission was to stay until they dragged me out kicking and screaming. 

I arrived in Simp City at a crisp 7:32 am, I made my way to a high top chair, “Levitating” started to blast through the small ceiling speakers, so I took that as a good sign.

Something I noticed almost immediately was the array of characters that frequented the waffle station.  Then, the sound of the whipped cream can… I thought it was someone continually blowing their nose. Then, at 10:51 am, I actually shed a tear for the boy who went to put whipped cream on his waffle and THERE WAS NONE LEFT! I was so upset that I considered leaving. I’m glad I stayed strong though because I got to witness two gals put their extremely large waffle onto one of those tiny ass ice cream bowls and then take it back to their seats. I’m not sure how that worked out for them, but I can’t imagine very well. 

Anyone who frequents Simp City would know that they have a strange infatuation with Olivia Rodrigio. So I made sure to tally every time they played one of her songs in my time being here. My final count was 7 (not as high as I expected), with an alternating pattern of playing “Good 4 You” then “Deja Vu”. 

Finally at 11:49am, I decided to venture back to the steaming stations of food to find myself some lunch! I was not aroused by many of the options so I opted for a bowl of rice, crispy-ass tofu, and an assortment of veggies. Overall rating is a 6/10 for this meal. I washed it down with a phat glass of apple juice and some of those Grandma chocolate chip cookies (personally, I prefer the oatmeal ones but it’s alright). 

In my fifth hour, at 12:19 pm, the radio station announced that they would be playing an AJR song next!!! I was so excited, I had no idea the frat made music alongside raising chickens!! Talk about a single mom who works TWO jobs!

As my 7 hour mark made its way closer and closer, I was also faced with the daunting fact that Simp City closes for 1 hour from 2:30 pm to 3:30pm!! I had a few ideas for how I could tackle this tricky situation:

  1. I could hide in the bathroom! This idea seemed great, but the chances they cleaned the bathrooms during the break were high and I thought it would be quite strange to be found hiding in there when that happens…
  2. My other thought was to just be honest. Tell the staff I need to stay in the name of journalism!!! Maybe if I bat my eyelashes and flash a sweet smile, they’d let me stay!

The staff began crowding around one table in the back of the hall at around 2:27 pm. My heart began to race in the anticipation of them asking me to leave. It was very wholesome to see all our loving staff gathering around the large table together! I told myself I couldn’t get emotional though, I must stay strong and hold my ground! 

The clock ticked away… 2:31 pm… 2:40 pm… 2:50 pm… 2:58 pm… 3:08 pm… 3:14 pm… 3:24 pm… 3:30 pm and no one kicked me out!

I had a snack of cantaloupe and coffee (my fifth cup of the day) and moved to those large red squishy couches around 4:13 pm! I’m surprised that no one ever sits in these chairs… I mean they’re great! Your legs painfully stick to them, the little pull around table doesn’t stay still, and they’ll roll out from under you if you sit too quickly!

To make my experience come full circle, my roommate joined me for dinner in my 11th hour of loitering. I had the most erotic falafel and a side salad. 

My loitering finally came to a close at 6:12 pm. For now my mission is over, but I hope to return to Simp City with the intention of lasting a full 24 hours in its glorious hall.

Categories: around town, lucy powell, oct. 12, vol 25

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