by elizaligon

For any of you considering it, getting dumped is not half as fun as it sounds. Now, that being said, of course we all must face heartbreak every once in a while, painful though it may be. But what’s more important than the break up? The lead up to the break up, of course. Here are some of the best and worst places to get dumped in our lovely town of Burlington, VT. 

1. Outside of Your Apartment (4/10) – This was convenient, but now your doorstep is tainted with bad memories. Can you live here again next year? Will every relationship that springs from under this roof, end at the doorstep?
2. Waterfront (3/10) – You have to walk back together for at least 5-10 mins before parting ways and it’s just incredibly awkward. They’re trying to say you could still be friends, you still haven’t cried in front of them. Everyone’s holding back. 
3. Over the Phone (5/10) – This is the 21st century break up and although you may be happy not to have to see their face, it probably feels like they could’ve tried harder.
4. Willows (10/10) – Buy me a bagel. Break up with me. And boom: I’ve already forgotten you because I have a new love. Her name is Willow. 
5. At a Party (8/10) – Get messy drunk with your friends, reapply your lip gloss, then find a new bitch and make out with them. It really is that simple. (WARNING: It really is NOT that simple, you WILL still be thinking about them all night. You will cause irreparable drama within your friend group.) 
6. In Class (1/10) – It suddenly hits you that you are going to have to see this person every week for the rest of the semester. Seek no horror movies, for all nightmares are here.
7. Higher Ground (4/10) – Are you really being broken up with if neither of you can hear each other?  They’re all like, “I wanna see other people.” And you say, “WHAT?” ANd they repeat,“I want to break up.” So you’re like, “I CAN’T HEAR YOU, LET’S TALK LATER.”  Boom you just bought yourself another week.
8. Red Onion (2/10) – I can no longer eat here. I cried into my sandwich last time. I’ve never tasted the combination of tears, mayo, and so much shame. Still a pretty good sandwich tho. 
9. Farmer’s Market (6/10) – This trip to the Burlington Farmers Market showed us that we are just too different to be together. The breakup is mutual, and afterwards there is only one thing on which we can agree: maple cotton candy. 
10. The Gallery Beneath Battery Street Jeans (7/10) – This is better than the body of Battery Street Jeans, which is entirely too public. I mean really, if someone dumps you like,, next to the CD’s at BSJ, you have every right to never speak to them again. 

Getting dumped is hard. The only way to avoid heartbreak is to avoid romance; in fact, the safest option is to avoid vulnerability altogether. Remember: you can’t feel pain if you can’t feel anything!Note: Anyone who is looking to expedite the process of getting dumped should refer to an article printed by the Water Tower this week which will detail the ideal places on campus for first dates. After all, you can’t end what you don’t start.

Categories: around town, eliza ligon, oct. 12, vol 25