stuck in the middle (of old mill) with you

by katlipari

In case you did not know before, the average college student weighs 150 pounds. This became aware to 16 students Monday, September 27 when they decided to file into the Old Mill elevator. As if the name Old Mill was not clear enough that a 196 year old building might not be the most architecturally sound building, getting into an elevator with 15 other people is not something someone intellectually sound would do. Inevitably, the elevator got stuck, 16 students were trapped on the 4 and a halfthththth floor.

According to a source known as Socrates, everyone piled into the elevator (still can not fathom how no one said “Hey! Maybe this is not the best idea”, but I digress, this is not my story to tell…I am simply the messenger) of the fifth floor of Old Mill. The elevator went down about three feet and stopped. The campus police were called, (we are all still waiting on that Cat Alert, I am sure it is coming soon as they are so so timely) and the fire department showed up as well. The fire department showing up might seem like the highlight of this elevator conundrum, but the Burlington fire department does not have the hunks I expected them to have. So as if having 16 people in the elevator is not enough, the campus police showed up along with the fire department… it got pretty toasty. I think this would have been the perfect timing to do the funniest thing someone can do in an elevator: rip one. Considering the grundle’s excessive servings of alfredo and pesto cream sauce, it would have been deadly, cleared out the elevator real fast.

The firefighters managed to open the elevator doors, but they were fearful that if students were to climb through the small opening between the fifth floor and the fourth floor, the students would be chomped. You know in Mario those big blocks that slam down and have those big grumpy faces, they are called thwomps, yeah kinda like that. A quick thwomp and there would definitely be a timely Cat Alert. 

Socrates says “so they were gonna do this whole big convoluted thing with harnesses and they were gonna like pull us out the top” like a Mission Impossible type of moment, but here is possibly the best part, “the elevator dude got there and he just turned the power off and on again and it just started working again.” Approaching the climax of this whole event and then some dude just turns the elevator off and back on and it starts working again. I cannot think of any other resolution that would be funnier than that.

Another source known as Holden Cox revealed that it was a great bonding experience, jokes were told, laughs were had, and maybe, just maybe, friends were made.

Categories: around town, kat lipari, oct. 12, vol 25

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