harris millis lockdown was a misunderstanding

by annaburg

BURLINGTON–At 5:00 pm on the evening of Sep-tember 26th, UVM Police Services received a call from an anonymous source that two unidentified males had entered Harris Hall. According to the caller, the males were middle-aged and sporting matching Patagonia vests, under which the second individual held what ap- peared to be a suspicious object.

After the chief of UVM Police Services finished writ- ing his third sneaky YikYak of the afternoon (YikYak was his hyperfixation of the month: entertaining and potentially useful for catching those irksome, substance- addicted brats. Not a single upvote on his most recent, particularly devious Yak, however, which read: “where can a homie find some of that devil’s lettuce on campus tonight?”), he assembled his officers and responded to the call.

UVM Police Services quickly cornered the suspects in the lobby of Harris. In detainment, the individuals, Hiram and LeRoy Berry, admitted they were the parents of UVM freshman Rachel Berry, a theater major who resides in Harris.

“When we received a tearful phone call from Rachel last Wednesday after she didn’t get the lead in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, we thought we would surprise
her with a visit from her pug, Ringo Starr,” LeRoy Berry said after the incident. “We thought we were being good parents; we never meant to cause a disturbance.”

After triple checking that Mr. and Mr. Berry were not public safety threats to the campus but were, in fact, just two gay dads, they were released from detainment.

Much to the surprise of those who somehow still have faith in our country’s criminal justice system, UVM Police Services is not an institution immune to the often fatal blunderings of law enforcement agencies.

“Luckily my two gay dads weren’t harmed in today’s misunderstanding, but I hope that in the future, the UVM student body will be ready to hold the campus police accountable in any instances of misconduct,” were Rachel Berry’s words on the situation.

Berry is right: as a private institution, the UVM cam- pus police is not controlled by the authority of a local, county, or state government like most police departments. Thus, holding them accountable for mistakes is vital to ensure the institution remains democratic.

Here’s what UVM Police Services had to say for them- selves: “We apologize for the fear we caused Mr. and Mr. Berry this evening, however, we do not regret taking the actions we did. What turned out to be Ringo Starr the pug could have been a gun–or worse; a bong! No matter what the students may say, UVM is a marijuana-free campus, and as the primary enforcers of public safety on this campus, we will do whatever we can to make sure it stays marijuana-free!”

When asked for their opinion, the university adminis- tration rejected any questioning, however, they did reas- sure us that they were generous enough to offer Mr. and Mr. Berry each a $20 gift card to the UVM Bookstore as compensation for the trouble they went through.

Ringo Starr also denied questioning on account of his asthma, and witnesses claim the pug appeared especially short of breath after spending nearly an hour beneath a flannel-lined vest.

Categories: news, oct. 12, Uncategorized, vol 25

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