by sarahkelly

The following is a transcript from Fridays 7:00 Aring:

It’s fall here in Burlington again and yes, that means plenty of foliage, apple picking, and some all around good family fun. But for some residents, it creates the worst time of the year. These residents are Burlington’s undead, and they’re simply rolling in their grave when it comes to the country’s ghost hunters.

            Speaking with one resident, one Carol Heralm (1864-1899) she has nothing but discrepancies with the living. When asked of her experience with these amature Casper-Novas, Carol said 

            “ I simply get no sleep! A woman like me needs her beauty sleep after all. But no, at these, Ungodly hours of the night, these men, buffoons really, come trampling down the halls. 

‘ Is there a spirit here with us?’, ‘Say your dying wish into our spirit box’ ‘Who’s the one who killed you?’ Yes I am here, no I do not wish to speak with you, and smallpox, you bumbling idiot. And then they act if I have not said anything to them. Going about their night as if I have not just given them a piece of my mind! Disrespectful fools, all of them.” Thank you, Carol, for your time with us, hope your boo-ty sleep returns to normal soon. 

            Other residents do not seem to mind their presence in the town, choosing instead to have some good old fashioned fun with their newfound audience. We go to Chadly Braddicus (1970-1989), who is a resident of one of the local fraternities. We stopped by his local haunt earlier this week to speak with Mr. Braddicus, who was visibly ‘stoked’ of the hunter’s arrival,

“Dude it’s gonna be so fucking funny. We’re gonna get them in when we’re playing pong right, right, and then we’re gonna flash them. Dude it’s gonna be so tight. I’m so hype”

The interview soon concluded due to Mr.Braddicus needing some personal time to himself. This happening after being informed the human eye and camera, cannot in fact pick up on the genitalia of the undead.

The question still remains, what’s haunting Burlington? Those who’ve come before us, or the people who come to find them in this life? Who are we to say? Does anyone really know? I don’t, philosophy was still a budding prospect when I passed. So I’ll leave this one for the fleshies. As for now this has been Barry Mccockner, with B-O-O evening news, channel 666.  

Categories: around town, sept. 28, vol 25