franken (shelley) cat

by benbieri

Reports have come in upon an impossible sighting: A re-animated Rally Cat on the prowl of Central Campus.

According to an eyewitness who was present at the time, it was a “dark and stormy night,” when the creature was first spotted. It was initially believed that the monster was a simple costume failure for the beloved UVM Mascot, but as the beast lumbered forth across the threshold of Central dining hall, it was revealed that the head and the paw were made of two different textures, and clearly betrayed two different decades of fashion design. One student was affected so horribly by the sight of the beast that they were brought to tears. “Velvet fur with suede? What horrible jackass decided that was a good idea?” They later provided for comment. 

Further investigative journalism by our heroic, and remarkably sexually attractive, charming and funny reporting team, led to the discovery that the creature’s birth into the horrible reality of US Capitalism, and further imprisonment to the Wellness program, was the fault of none other than the disgusting neuroscience department. When asked why they had let the creature, who by all regards was evidently intelligent, loose upon school grounds, they let out titters and giggles, demonstrative of their pretentious attitude and disregard for their ability to create life.

joe bortner

The monster, henceforth referred to as Shelley Cat, has not yet been approached for comment on its birth or its unfortunate haunt.
With no intent to harm the monster’s self-image or psyche, the demeanor of the creature must be addressed. It is horrible looking. Imagine, if you will, a visage most foul, an affront to both the gods you believe in and those you don’t. A head torn in two, sewed together so that the eyes and mouth almost swap place in horrific sneer, limbs too large for its body, so that they drag, lumpen and misshapen behind itself, only lifted with great effort. Its breath is ragged and uneven, and it stares ever forward with a gaze always meeting you, regardless of whether you wish to find it or not. 

Recent reports have come in that our previous passage was, in fact, a description of the normal Rally Cat. We apologize for our unprofessionalism. Shelley is also horrifically ugly, but has already been asked out 7 times. Three UVM Missed Connections have been submitted about them, and multiple petitions have been started to replace our current mascot with the creature. 

The monster has already engaged in several open-forum discourses upon gender roles and the prominence of feminist thought in modern cinema, and plans to host their own forum upon the role that Wellness plays in policing UVM Culture next Sunday. By all accounts, this creature is a welcome addition to UVM’s campus, and the editorial staff at the Watertower believe it to be a harbinger of better times, hope and a return to normalcy that is certainly needed contemporarily.

UVM admissions have already approached the creature and are currently attempting to charge it Out of State fees for its presence on UVM campus, and are attempting to force it to sign a Residents Agreement so that it must purchase a dining plan and live in Harris Millis. This story is ongoing and will be updated as time progresses.

Categories: ben bieri, cooler, joe bortner, sept. 28, vol 25

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