a dune fiction

by baronharkonnen

The breeze was swift over the lake. Gusts from New York blew eastbound and whipped against the side of central campus residence hall. The wind tunnel blew especially hard and cold that crisp late September night; but the wind would not be the only thing blowing this evening. UVM President Suresh Garimella leaned against the windows closest to the bagel station of central, pulling a long smooth drag off a cigarette and looking into the distance. The moon shined bright through billowing black clouds that pierced twilight to rest gently on a man standing next to the bus ball. Donning a suit and platinum slicked back hair. It was none another than known absurdist David Lynch.

“Are you new in town, kid?” the silver fox prodded with a mouth full of what appeared to be cherry pie. Suresh let 3 rings of smoke escape from his mouth Gandalf style before responding that “No, I actually run this joint. Now tell me who you are and what you’re doing here. You’re not a student, you’re a world renown director”. The distance began to close between them, and tension began to rise. Suresh flicked his cig to the ground, stomping on the embers as they met under the library skyway. “I’m here to inform you of your….. terrible purpose. You see, Laura Palmer was a real person like no joke we just filmed her corpse and shit for Twin Peaks. That shit in the black lodge? All of it’s real big guy, and you’re the only one who can stop the evil from escaping again”. They stood silently for a moment before nothing could separate them from eachother. Flesh on flesh, man on man, they proceded to make intimate love with one another under the moonlight.

“That was your first test” whispered the now out of breath 75 year old filmmaker. An orange aura surrounded them both. Suddenly, this energy field whipped them up into the atmosphere, surpassing our solar system almost instantly. The pair traveled across countless galaxies until launching them right towards a large ball of sand. It was Arakkis, the Dune planet. They descended right into the stronghold of the Fremen people. Entering the atmosphere burned away Suresh’s UVM sweatshirt, but his iconic UVM sweatpants remained. “This is nothing like when I made this movie back in 84’. Not enough spandex!” Lynch analyzed as the Fremen surrounded him. Suresh began to stand after landing with the superhero pose, and the encroaching Fremen halted their approach, dropping their Gom Jabbars and their bodies to the coarse sandy ground. They kneeled before Suresh, chanting Muad’ dib, and bringing forth a cup of the water of life for him to drink deep. Suddenly, visions of the past flooded the mind of Suresh. Not just his past, but all pasts. It became even clearer, until Suresh realized that some visions were not indeed from the past, but from the future. Prescience flooded his mind with all that has happened, all that is happening, and all that will happen. A key moment of future that kept repeating was the night of intimacy ahead of him, but he did not want that moment to remain in the future any longer, he would make it his own present.

Suresh awoke from his enlightened state in a frantic search for his lover. Nowhere could the man in the suit be found, only the Fremen still suits were in his vision. He sought through his mind for where David could possibly be. Suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to walk straight into the desert, Suresh found David Lynch at the foot of the God Emperor of Dune, Leto II. His human body merged with that of a sandworm after 3,500 years of tyrannical rule over the cosmos. Suresh quickly acting on his feet used a confiscated bong as a weapon to slay the beast, as his newfound prescience allows him to fly through the air (this is an actual thing that happens in the dune books btw). The wurm was slain, spice melange flowed out, and lovers were reunited. The two proceeded to passionately do oral on one another. The End.

Categories: cooler, sept. 28, vol 25