10 easy ways 2 ~terrify~ your man in bed

by salivapussy-eyes

You asked, we answered, and now we’re back with PART TWO of how to ~terrify~ your man in bed. Our first list went over fairly well, but we asked ourselves: how can we take it even further? The writers and sexperts at the water tower are here to make every naughty fantasy (and nightmare) that you’ve ever had come to life. Just know that even the sexiest times can have fumbles, it’s okay to screw up when you’re screwing! (And it’s Never inappropriate to throw around a “dag-nabit!” in the bedroom.)

Your partner’s world will be rocked, they won’t know how to behave when you pull out all of the stops. They’ll be shook up, stupefied, and stunned as you rock their world.

  1. ~Say “George, did you chop down the cherry tree?”~

If your man is honest in (and outside of) the bedroom, then he’ll say “Father, I did chop down the cherry tree, for I cannot tell a lie.” Get steamy using this sexy little story about our nation’s first president*.

(*Disclaimer: All Presidents Are Bastards. This story is a complete lie. Oh, the irony.)

  1. ~Bill Clinton role play~

Sticking with the Presidential theme, you can try out this lil number! And when your man starts to look for his best suit you can hand him a dark blue dress and say, “that’s not what I meant…”

  1. Bring a ~meatball sub~

Lolz meatballs.

  1. Play it coy with ~a secret~

Let them know that you have something to tell them. Whisper very quietly, bring them close to you. But then don’t tell them what it is. Hit them with an “oh, nevermind.” A good relationship is built on dishonesty. 

  1. Start speaking in an ~Australian accent~

“Ya-oroight may-te?”

  1. ~Fart incredibly loudly~

Remind your partner that you’re only human. They’ll think it’s endearing, and they’ll be thankful that you’re comfortable enough around them to let one rip.

(Bonus points if you ask to do anal later.)

  1. ~Bring an airhorn~ 

Get it? Because you blow it when someone’s about to,,,, yknow,,,,, blow. 

(Bonus points if the airhorn ends up inside of someone.)

  1. “Would you consider ~moving to Europe~ with me?”

Let your partner know that you’re thinking about your future together!! They’ll be thankful to know that you’re constantly thinking about them. And nothing else. Constantly. 

(Bonus points if you break up with them a week later.)

  1. ~Lick their eyeball~

Put your tongue to work! Did you know that some reptiles lick their eyes to keep them moist and clean? Try it out!

  1. Start ~applauding~ when you’re finished

Let your partner know that you appreciate all of the hard work that they have done here. Y’know what they say– if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands!

So if you find you and your partner stuck in a rut, use one of these handy little tricks to bring back the heat! Remember, though, to always be receptive to your partner’s wants and needs– even and especially when you’re bringing these new tactics to the table. We bring you these tips and tricks with the hope in mind that everyone will enjoy having the fear of God struck into them. 

The nature of these practices is to confuse, not to abuse, in order to spice things up! In the end, these tactics are designed to please. After all, nothing is sexier than letting your partner know that you’re a special kind of unhinged. <3 

Categories: saliva pussy-eyes, sept. 28, vol 25, water cooler

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