us and nk’s steamy snaps

by CIAinformantnumberone

A few hours ago, the infamous hacker group “Anom-on-my-nuts” released CIA transcripts of diplomat discourse between the US and North Korea. The documents were classified as “nuclear negotiations” however the correspondence seems to be entirely between former president Donald Trump and supreme leader Kim Jong-Un sometime in the fall of 2017. 

The social platform they were using to communicate seems to resemble Snapchat, and while the defense department ensured the public that they were using a super secure security platform, experts on the subject disagree. Teenage girls all over America are pointing to the unique band of text on the singular image uncovered, claiming it’s a feature unique to Snapchat. 

Additionally, the two parties adopted usernames in an attempt to ensure a level of privacy, but the hackers were able to discern the true identities. They revealed that Trump was communicating under the username “imperialism_rulz” and Jong-Un used “coolguy69.” 

We have picked out a few pieces of the transcript that we found most interesting to help the general public work through all the technicalities. 

caroline flynn

The transcript begins on September 12th, 2017 at 12:47 AM, with what seems like simple introductions. 

Imperalism_rulz: Hey 🙂 12:47 AM

Coolguy69: Hi? 12:49 AM

Imperalism_rulz: Hi! I saw you at the UN and I got your social from China 12:49 AM

Coolguy69: oh ok 12:52 AM

Imperalism_rulz: wyd? 12:52 AM

Coolguy69: just some work for the NPT meeting tomorrow  12:58 AM

Imperalism_rulz: Oh wow you must be really smart. We should do it together sometime 🙂 12:58 AM

Imperalism_rulz: lol no reply that’s cool 1:15 AM

The next day, September 13th, was the date for an important international meeting to discuss nuclear non-proliferation. The US again reaches out, seemingly using this event as a way to introduce the subject. 

Imperalism_rulz: can’t wait to see you at the nuclear discussions later 😉 10:42 AM

Imperalism_rulz: you looked so cute in your suit today. I wanted to say something to you but I got too nervous to come talk to you in person lol 3:02 PM

Coolguy69: thanks 3:33 PM

Imperalism_rulz: but yeah you’re super cute, I couldn’t stop staring at you while Iran was rambling about acquiring more uranium lol 3:33 PM

Coolguy69: hahah thanks 3:59 PM

Imperalism_rulz: I’m so ugly, no one else wants to talk to me 3:59 PM

Coolguy69: i’m sure that’s not true 4:16 PM

Imperalism_rulz: No one even wants a nice imperialist republic anymore. They all want those shallow socialist nations who will treat them like shit and take iphone. 4:16 PM

Coolguy69: yeah 4:25 PM

Imperalism_rulz: at least you’re nice to me 😉 4:25 PM

Coolguy69: of course 4:56 PM

Imperalism_rulz: hey, what if you like, send nukes lol 😉 4:56 PM

Coolguy69: yeah no. 5:23 PM

Imperalism_rulz: Oh my god i’m so sorry i should have never asked for nukes. I’m a terrible person, you probably hate me what was i thinking 5:23 PM

Coolguy69: it’s fine 5:36 PM

Imperalism_rulz: No i get it, it’s cool if you wanna call me an asshole and impose sanctions or drone strike DC or something I wouldn’t blame you, i deserve it like the scum I am 5:36 PM

Coolguy69: really it’s fine 6:23PM

Imperalism_rulz: ok ok, thanks for being the bestest 🙂 <3 6:23 PM

*no response from korea* 

The non-proliferation event and subsequent communications seemed to have gone poorly and the following days were punctuated with brief messages from the US and no response from Korea. The messaging service shows that they did in fact read the messages and were just “ghosting” the US. The last recorded message occurs after Trump replies to a picture Kim Jong-Un has posted of him and Russian President Vladimir Putin lying in a bed. The room is dark, and the two seem to be slightly sweaty and shirtless, squinting at the camera flash. 

Imperalism_rulz: lol who’s that guy in your story 11:43 PM

Coolguy69: russia 3:23 AM

Imperalism_rulz: lol russia?? Why are you hanging out with him?? Are you friends or something? 3:23 AM

Coolguy69: we’re in a relationship 4:53 AM

Imperalism_rulz: oh. That’s cool. I hope he treats you well. 4:53 AM

*no response from north korea*

The transcript ends there with several more days of attempted communications, but North Korea appeared to go off the grid. It’s unclear what this mission was attempting to accomplish or if it worked but it’s clearly a very unique strategy. Our foreign affairs team here at the water tower didn’t have an analysis on this situation only leaving us the comment “this version of negotiations will literally never work and any use of it should result in immediate castration.” We are still waiting to see if the current US or Korean government will issue a press release explaining these messages, but until then continue to refresh the water tower front page for more breaking news. Remember, we are now the leading news source after it was exposed that the Cynic has been receiving payouts from the Russian government for over 2 years, but more on that in our next issue.

Categories: caroline flynn, may 4th 2021, side bar

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