things that should be on your resume

by savinobarile

The economy is booming, businesses are reopening, and the US of A has never been better. After a year we are all desperately trying to forget, undergrads are dusting off their occupational cobwebs and re-entering the job market. As we anxiously inflate our skeletal resumes, I’m sure we’re all thinking we are far more qualified than our credentials suggest. Here are some roles, responsibilities, and traits that you should be able to include on your resume. If you’re feeling dangereux, maybe drop one of these into a throwaway cover letter. Let’s change some corporate norms!

  • Roommate That Coordinates The Bills
    • This is a big one. You are the captain of the household who keeps their vessel afloat for your apathetic crewmates, your lazy fucking roommates. You have all of the responsibilities of an exec, but the consequences for failure include cold showers and eviction. How many casual “yo thanks’ “ can begin to repay the 5 hours you spent on the horn sorting out the extra $12 dollars on the electric bill? CFO material, all of em.
  • Reading For Fun (Privately)
    • It is so hard to find the time for, especially in college. The act of reading has been relegated to the cruel realm of “Course Content” and feels like a chore. Not for you! You are so smart, smarter than everybody else. And what do you ask for in return? Nothing. Wow, you’re hired. And no, this does not apply to anyone scrolling Hinge behind a copy of The Bell Jar, or Infinite Jest, at your local place of coffee. In fact, that’s an instant red flag.
  • Generally Pleasant Demeanor
    • Do you know what kind of people have great resumes? Tryhards and assholes. Just be a decent, bearable human being, please that’s all I ask.
  • Only Having 2 Beers Because It’s a Weeknight
    • Any employer would be happy to know they aren’t going to lose x percentage of productivity because you only blackout on days that end with y and don’t get enough z’s. You know how to handle your liquor and throw down responsibly.
  • Trying to Eat Healthier
    • Do you know how much initiative it takes to drink 3 liters of water, the innovation behind a 10-minute one-pan stir-fry, or the will to opt for a salad? Participation in productive dietary routines is the mark of a true titan of industry, bettering themselves and the company.
  • Tips Delivery Drivers
    • If you’re the kind of person who says “I didn’t realize you needed to tip. Isn’t that what I pay the delivery fee for?” come on dude. This shows you have absolutely either zero common sense or generosity. In fact, if you’re ordering that much Uber Eats for someone to notice this trend, you have likely never worked hard for something in your life and would be a bad employee.

Categories: may 4th 2021, reflections, savino barile

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