real(ly) fake excuses

by wtstaff

Some of these fake-sounding excuses are real, some of them are really fake. All of these explanations were sad excuses for an excuse. Each of these outlandish tales creates its own special anxieties for the unexpecting excuse-receiver. As any well-socialized person knows, the individual receiving the excuse must honor the explanation, whether or not they think it’s the truth. Sometimes that leaves endless unresolved questions. We hope you’ll enjoy the guessing game of Real vs Fake excuses. We know we didn’t. 

“My phone never got your message”

  • My phone is an elitist and doesn’t receive messages from group chats with androids in it. Never received the text telling me my first place of employment was closing permanently. 

“Oh, sorry I never texted you back. My mantises died, it was really sad.”

  • You don’t know if his mantises died. You couldn’t say how beat up about it he is. All you know for sure is that he didn’t reply. (Sry babes… that stings worse than any bug bite that I know about.) 

“Stomach problems!”

  • I literally saw you at the bars. Truthfully, you yakked a few minutes in so maybe you were fighting stomach problems, but why didn’t you want to fight those stomach problems with me? You think I won’t hold your hair back when your head is over a toilet bowl? I will! I totally will. 

“Ever since I found out Yahoo Answers is shutting down, I haven’t really been myself.”

  • I don’t even know what to say. I turned on my read receipts just so that you can see that I have read that, and I will not be responding. 

“I fell asleep!”

  • You snapchatted me at two in the morning. Having removed my “going out” clothes, I had a facemask on. I was wearing my sweatpants. I was a step closer to sleep than you were, though you were probably on the verge of passing out. 

“I lost my bouncy ball! I’ve been searching for it everywhere.”

  • If you didn’t like me, you should just say so. (In hindsight, I guess you were saying so.)

“Sorry I never came over, I was caught up with friends.”

  • You mutter something to yourself about how a head’s up would’ve been nice. You wouldn’t have stayed up waiting. You put on some Mitski and grab a bottle of wine for yourself— tonight you will be drunk, horny, and wildly dissatisfied with your choices.

“I’m sorry I never picked you up, I had to get some stuff done.”

  • Look, I get it. Shit happens, plans change. But why the radio silence? Why the vagueness? Why was I left ready and waiting for a brunch which would never come?

“I’m transferring.”

  • We both knew that the sex wasn’t that great. You felt it, I felt it. But this seems kind of extreme, doesn’t it? Is it really worth transferring over? I was thinking we could still be friends. Evidently not. 

“I didn’t think you’d want to come!”

  • Why wouldn’t I want to come? Why wouldn’t I want to spend time with our shared friends? Are they mad at me? Are you mad at me? Aren’t I fun? I’m fun, right? I think I’m fun. Let me know…

“Can’t go out. Experiencing deep existential dread.”

  • Finally. A valid excuse. Sometimes, nothing has purpose and every action seems to have lost all meaning. You’ve been there, I’ve been there. Call your therapist; the world will still be here when you’ve regained your sense of wonder. And we can’t wait to welcome you back. 

In the end, whether it’s a really fake excuse, or a fake-sounding real excuse, listening to the wants and needs of the people with whom one interacts is key. We’ll never know whether the excuser was truly busy or full of shit, but we’re required to honor the excuse either way. She may not like you, He may not be interested, and They may roll their eyes when you enter a room. Reading between the lines and wondering what other people think of you, whether or not they like you– this is the spice of life. Get with it.

Categories: may 4th 2021, reflections

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