by salivapussy-eyes & 3ballsbedwetter

Beds. Hammocks. It’s good to sleep, no matter the equipment, but as we all know, the experiences are vastly different. This may or may not be a question of whether you prefer to sleep in a bed or a hammock, but that is merely a single component in a much larger question. Have you ever wondered whether your ~essence~ is more close to beds or hammocks? I know I sure have. 

1. Do you spend a lot of time with the same people?
   1. Yes
   2. No
2. Would you prefer to host or attend a party?
   1. I have designated cabinets for all the breakables, each one is labeled, so you know where to put everything. You should come by around 8:00 to help me set up? Shh, shh, thank you so much for volunteering!!!!!
   2. If I’m body-slamming a table, it’s in my wallet’s best interest that it ain’t mine.
3. Would you bang Meryl Streep?
   1. I couldn’t fuck over my guy Don Gummer like that.
   2. Absolutely. Absolutelyyyyyy.
4. Do you prefer rocks or twigs?
   1. Rocks
   2. Twigs
5. Are you a minimalist or a maximalist?
   1. Maximalist
   2. Minimalist
6. Were you ever homeschooled?
   1. No, but my mom would write fun facts on my brown bag lunch every day. 
   2. Several of my friends’ families growing up drove kidnapper vans because they had too many children to fit in regular cars.
7. Were you a band kid?
   1. Yes, and I’m also a proud virgin ‘til marriage. 
   2. Nah, I just smoked weed under the bleachers.
8. Do you prefer gnomes or goblins?
   1. Gnomes
   2. Goblins 
9. What was your favorite childhood book series? 
   1. Harry Potter
   2. The Magic Treehouse 
10. Do you bring your own pencil or pen to class?
    1. I have a ten-color pen, wanna try to help me push all the colors down at once? 
    2. I have many pockets. None of them contain writing implements. 
11. Do you use a reusable water bottle or would you take a drink out of the closest river?
    1. Emotional support water bottle.
    2. I like feeling one with nature, even if that means getting dysentery. 
12. What’s your drug of choice?
    1. Alky-hall
    2. Whatever I can get my hands on
13. Which underrated 2000’s boy band did you feel the most connected with?
    1. Big Time Rush
    2. The Naked Brothers Band
14. Do you carry chapstick?
    1. Yes, and I have my favorite brand. Wanna makeout?
    2. No, my lips are always cracked and I’ve never been kissed. 
15. Would you rather fuck a pirate or an astronaut?
    1. Astronaut
    2. Pirate
16. It rained this morning. You see several worms on the sidewalk. What do you do?
    1. Um. Nothing?
    2. Ohhh boy, ohhhhh baby. I’d pick them up very gently, tell them each that I love them, and put them in some nice soil. 
17. If I ask you what kind of nose piercing I should get, what will you say? 
    1. You show me a tik tok account with cute septum/nostril combinations and suggest potential arrangements. 
    2. You tell me the story about how you first pierced your own nose with a sewing needle, offer to ask to do mine for free, and say you have an old hoop that I could borrow. 
18. Do you own any sex toys?
    1. Yes, many.
    2. Yes, two… on the ends of my arms… 
19. Where’s that dirt under your fingernail from? 
    1. “I’m terribly embarrassed, I was doing some gardening today and I must have missed some when washing my hands.”
    2. “Woah, there’s dirt under here, man?! Dude, free snack for laterrrrrr.”
20. Real talk, what should condoms be short for? 
    1. Control-your-Dick-Oh–My-Stars
    2. Cumdominums (like condos for your cum, y’know?) 
21. How do you take your coffee? 
    1. Anything you’d mansplain to me (oat milk, etc.)
    2. Black
22. Thoughts on bushes? 
    1. Definitely did 9/11. 
    2. You misunderestimate how long it’s been since a razor came near my no-no square. 
23. What’s the skin between your toes called?
    1. Piggie pit
    2. Toe crotch
24.  Oh no! You ran off drunk from the party… again… where will your friends find you? 
    1. Eating cake with a rando you met outside the CVS, stargazing (lying on top of a dumpster, looking up at the street lamps).
    2. Trying to tear zebra mussels off the boats docked in Lake Champlain, floating on a 2 x 4 you found next to a dumpster, Sylvia Plank. 
25. Have you ever slept on a waterbed? 
    1. No 
    2. Yes

MOSTLY 1: Bed Person

You appreciate structure and consistency. You believe that these cultivate a sense of stability, which provides comfort. Teach your friends how to take self-care days! You may understand the importance of a lil rest and rejuvenation, but not everyone remembers to give themselves some TLC — remind your friends *cough* hammock people *cough* to primp and veg. 

Though you may be quiet, you love people. You appreciate the comfort of a group, but it’s important to keep in mind that you shouldn’t let others determine your values. Remember to break out of your shell and try something new on occasion. Being uncomfortable doesn’t have to be a bad thing. 

MOSTLY 2: Hammock Person

You go where the wind takes you. You’re adaptable to all situations, which makes you the ideal person for adventuring. You will die on a hill for fixing/building things — you find it completely audacious that SOME people pay for someone to unclog their sink, lunatics. 

You are quite the individualist, you don’t care about the mainstream. Although this can be an asset, remember not to be too stubborn, nor too intolerant of those who do like popular things. Remember that the world shows you the love which you show to it. When you fall, remember that your friends will be there to catch you.

Categories: may 4th 2021, quiz, saliva pussy-eyes, water cooler