Dear Planned Parenthood Telephone Dispatcher,
There is so much happening to me all the time. I’m usually pretty good at keeping my wheels on the tracks, but at the cost of severe half-assing and multitasking. I’m sorry that you fell victim to my methods. I’m sorry that I was attending my 9:40 am lecture, I’m sorry that I called planned parenthood and waited on hold during that lecture. I’m sorry that I drank 12 ounces of coffee earlier that morning, causing my bowels to move and groove around 10 am.
I’m NOT sorry that my period was two days late, sending me into unreasonable mental gymnastics worrying about a freak pregnancy.
I’m sorry that I left the office where my lecture was proceeding and took my phone with me to the third floor, gender-neutral bathroom of the Davis Center. I’m sorry that you picked up right as I was locking the bathroom door. I’m sorry that I proceeded to schedule an appointment for my birth control prescription refill while taking my morning poop. I’m sorry that my period came at that moment as well. I’m sorry that with one hand I held my phone and with the other inserted a tampon. Most of all, I’m sorry that I forgot to put myself on mute when I flushed the toilet, the echo in the small tile room destroying my eardrums and no doubt yours too.
Thank you for scheduling my telehealth appointment, despite all this. My 12 month Aubra prescription could not have been attained without your patience and grace.
I would like to take this final moment to plug planned parenthood for all your sexual health needs. They do such good work there. I would also like to make a distinct Un-Apology to my professor who was lecturing. Your lectures only confuse me more when I watch them <3