by stilton & 3bearsog
From the moment I was born, I knew that I would live a much shorter life than my peers. Born in captivity, raised for slaughter with only ninety days to live to the fullest. In my time, I have loved and lost. I have known pain, I’ve been bent over, cut, and seen days without proper nutrients, but nothing compares to the knowledge that I have only three months to spend with you. I know that in the coming days I will be hanged and dried, and eventually my body is to be incinerated and inhaled.
I would like to have my ashes spread in these locations. So here’s what you space cadet fucks should do with my final moments.
- The Sisters of Mercy Convent on Mansfield Ave
You know what they say: ashes to ashes, dust to dust. But fair warning: watch out for the nuns, they show No Mercy.
- Archibald Cemetery
Allow my soul to mingle with the other damned ones. There’s lots of gentlemanly spirits, but just watch out for the ghost of Louis Dumas!
- Shelburne Orchards
They’ve got fuji, macintosh, gala, I don’t care, just put me in an apple pipe and be one with nature, babeyyy. That’s the Vermont way.
- The smoking areas at the beach that “Do NOT Permit the Consumption of Cannabis”
I, too, like to live dangerously. Just be sure to behave baby yeah.
UVM’s Office of Student and Community Relations told me about this one. Soooouuhhhh thanks y’all!! 😉
- One of the trees on the Redstone Walkway
You and Weed, sittin in a tree, s-m-o-k-i-n-g!
- Your state-of-the-art UVM isolation chamber.
Nothing says keeping a green and gold promise like keeping me as your only friend. Just you, me, and two weeks of nothing but clouds.
- The gardens surrounding Jeffords hall.
Death is inevitable, but there will always be new life to be appreciated. (Also I heard the gardener is really cute, idk could be biased.)
- The arch in-between wellness buildings.
This is the only true testament of your commitment to me.
(Warning: This may be difficult, as your fat nuts may prevent you from fitting under it.)
- Hit the Davis Center Tour
First stop is the SGA office, in a defiant act against student government, promoting instead student anarchy. In a moment’s notice, you whip down the stairs of the Davis Center, puffin as you go. Soon enough, you arrive: the Cynic Offices. Show the kniveling bastards how to blow O’s.
- In a meeting with your CAPS advisor.
She asks when you started smoking, and you respond with something like “uuuuhhhh I don’t know.” She starts writing a lot faster, frantically, in fact. She asks if you want to meet again tomorrow?
In truth, I am a complex and misunderstood organism. Despite my ability to communicate with other plants and microbes using mycorrhizal networks in order to better myself and the earth around me, I remain misunderstood by a lot of humans. Scientists may have found out about this little fungal chat hub of mine a decade ago; however, they’ve only scratched the tip of the iceberg as to my full capabilities and knowledge set. Perhaps it’s a lack of imagination or perhaps it’s because all you do is smoke dope all day. Whatever it is concerns me not, I made this journey for you to step into my roots and take it all in.
Categories: April 20th 2021, around town