foreword by henryschmidel
The following article was first printed in the Water Tower on Tuesday, November 26th, 1963. The views expressed herein aren’t the views currently held by the Water Tower editorial staff, and simply reflect the spirit of the times. In fact, the current Water Tower editors believe that John Kennedy was a goddamn American hero, and the last president who stood for the people against Allen Dulles and his Nazi friends. For more information on this topic, ask the News Editor about any subject, and this is where the conversation will end up.
DALLAS, TX – Following the assassination of President Kennedy last week, and the subsequent assassination of his assassin, it’s been revealed by the coroner that Mr. Lee Harvey Oswald was under the influence of Marijuana at the time of Kennedy’s death.
Earl Rose, the Dallas Medical Examiner, revealed early this morning that Oswald had been ‘toking out’ while waiting in the Texas School Book Depository window for Kennedy’s motorcade to pass by. This was further confirmed by the FBI’s discovery of a ‘bong’ at the crime scene. A bong, the street name for a water pipe, is a common possession for those in the ‘pot scene.’ While an unassuming friend or parent might simply assume that it’s a vase, in the hands of a pot fiend it could be a lethal weapon.
As we all know, after fleeing his sniper’s nest in the book depository, Oswald went home to his boardinghouse, where he became paranoid of being caught and fled. His landlady, who we believe was also high and possibly his source of the drug, claims that a police car slowed down outside of the home while Oswald was present, and flashed its headlights into the window. This is, according to our FBI source, what caused Oswald to run away, and to kill Dallas PD Officer J.D. Tippit, who he believed to have been stalking him. Though there were early reports that there were two men present at Tippit’s killing, the witnesses who made these claims were spoken to by FBI investigators, and retracted their statements.
After murdering our brave police officer Oswald decided (in a smoky haze, says witness John C. Brewer) to catch a film at the Texas Theater, a practice many dopers refer to as ‘chilling out.’ In Oswald’s burnt-out brain, filled to the brim with marijuana and not much else, what better way to relax after killing two men in cold blood than to watch Tony Russel in War Is Hell, the theater’s Friday afternoon showing. After all, he was high. He felt like he was on top of the world. He never expected our beautiful boys in blue to come end his party. He was certainly not expecting Jack Ruby to end it. He was probably still high, even then.
Lee Harvey Oswald was high when he pulled the trigger on President Kennedy, and he was set up to do it by one man: Fidel Castro. It’s well-known that Oswald was a dope-smoking commie, that he loved Cuba, and there’s even photos of him leaving the Cuban embassy in Mexico, trying to become a citizen. If that seems hard to believe, this newspaper encourages its readers to look at the picture for themselves. And, if reports are true, the pot he was toking was straight from Havana, probably smuggled in by another one of his commie pals. It doesn’t seem like too far of a stretch, and the FBI agrees, to say that Castro promised Oswald citizenship if he killed Jack Kennedy, and Ruby (well known for smuggling weapons to Castro’s revolution) killed him to tie up old Fidel’s loose ends. Another poor young fool taken advantage of by those disgusting bastards, and the president of our great nation dead as a result.
Categories: April 20th 2021, henry schmidel, news