by coughcoughcough

Me and my brother were always different. I went left, he went right, I zigged, he zagged, you get the point. One of the key differences between us growing up was that, from time to time, just for kicks, he sold drugs. And I, well, didn’t do that. After years of distance (not really) we finally get to the bottom of the issue in this exclusive interview between myself and my brother. 

Hey, man. Are you ready for the interview?

I don’t get it. Why is your school letting you write about weed?

Okay, I’m asking the questions here. How did you first get involved in the business?

Oh, you know, I was raised in the streets. 

Well, naturally.

Nah, you know, acquaintances.

Acquaintances? So it was like a peer pressure kind of thing? Did you feel pressure to join? Was there any hazing involved?

(epic dude laughter) Uh let me see, uh, nah, I don’t think so. Pretty chill.

Was there a superior you reported to? Like was there a boss?

(more bro laugh) No, no, no, no. It was just me, you know, rollin. 

Alright. Rollin. So you were about what age at this time? Like, seven?

Bit older. 

Okay, cryptic. So tell me about the first time you got high.

Totally. Damn. It was in the backseat of ******’s car. We went to get Mexican food after. It was pretty good. 

Sounds life changing. And if I’m not mistaken, this is the girl you met in 4th period world geography class. Am I right about that? 

Yoooo, totally, yeah, that was her. Her and ****. And me. Ha ha. Yep.

So it was you and two older women, is what I’m hearing? 

No doubt, no doubt. 

Nice, man. Respect. What was the method?

A bong. Yeah. Started out strong. 

Any scary dealing experiences? Anything scary ever happen? 

No, man. I was not big time like that. I was always just like, texting Todd being like, Yo homie you want a little bit of weed. And Todd was always like, Yeah. 

Hmm, disappointing. 

Sorry. I did almost get caught selling at a football game one time. Under the bleachers. I tried to hide my shit in that bathroom by the parking lot, you know, but….yeah. By the time I went back to look for it, somebody’d already snatched it.

Wow, that’s a heartbreaking story. So, did you sell to children?

Man, what, no. What…I just told you, it was not like that. Who do you think I am?

Okay, calm down. Let me clarify. Did you ever sell to, like, younger kids, and overcharge them? Trick them? Were you a trickster?

Oh, yeah. Definitely. Supply and demand, baby. All about the revenue. Can’t get sentimental about these things. 

Sure. Yes. Speaking of revenue, do you think that your experience with drug dealing led you to become a business major?

Nah.

Hmm. Wow. Okay then. 

Just for shits and giggles, mostly, yeah.

Seems like you really weren’t taking the business seriously. 

Yeah. I guess this isn’t making me sound that cool. Like I was like a kingpin or something. Maybe you should just fabricate the whole thing, make me sound like I was hot shit. Run-ins with the cops, getting shot at, stuff like that.  

Oh, yeah, good idea. I’ll definitely do that. I’ll make you look real cool. Taking down that note now. 

Dope. This has been a pleasure, man. See you at Christmas. 

It is April.
Oh, yeah, totally. Whatever. Tell Mom to call me. 

Categories: April 20th 2021, interviews