how to not smoke

by 3ballsbedwetter

Originally titled, in glorious clickbait, “I TRY EATING A GRAM OF WEED,” meant to document my journey rolling on 1000mg of THC. After consuming 20 ill-tasting sour patch kids and a Nalgene to wash them down, I patiently waited, setting 30-minute timers – preparing to document my ascension to another dimension. Three hours passed, and still, I had not reached my goal. My edible had failed. Whether it be an issue of my own tolerance or my dealer’s inability to provide the good goods, that fact remains unsolved. The only thing we know, dear reader, is that I’m pissed. And I’m going to take my anger out on you. Now, bitter and cynical about wasting $65, a night I could’ve spent toking, and a flashy article title — I unleash my wrath as I rank your preferred ways to blaze. 

Let’s start off weak with everyone’s least favorite, the bubbler. Every stoner searching for their first piece is faced with two roads, equally respected. To buy a bong or a pipe, that is the question. Some sick fucks end up in the middle, with a bubbler. People who smoke out of bubblers are the worst kind of stoners. I’d rather chief a cart with a high school sophomore behind a Cumberland Farms than rip your tie-dyed silicone reminder that you’re afraid of commitment. 

If you smoke out of a pipe, it tells me that part of your preferred smoking experience includes inhaling ash. Scooby snacks aren’t considered munchies to most, but you, my dear, have an insatiable thirst for masochism. Another favorite flavor of pipe puffers is good ol’ butane. I watch you motherfuckers light that bowl every time you hit it. Poof goes the brain cells!

saliva pussy-eyes

Money doesn’t grow on trees, but people who smoke joints must think it does. Send me all the hate mail you want for this, but joints are the worst bang-for-your-buck. If you smoke joints, I perceive you as rich or stupid, both of which I resent you for. If your excuse is “I just like to roll,” find a hobby that makes you sound less like a loser. Everyone who fucks knows that while you were wasting sweet time rolling your poorly made joint, they snapped a bowl and banged a broad. 

If you rip bong, stop reading this. Go change your fucking water. Grab the rubbing alcohol from your stick and poke stash and salt from your sticky ass cabinets. You know what you need to do. Next time you hear your bong-totin’ comrade say, “Nah, I’m good you know, I don’t really drink,” remind them of the serving of delicious bong nectar they slurped up with their last mole. Yeah, I am right, you probably could’ve done without THAT much water. 

All in all, weed is weed, love is love. Smoke what you like and like what you smoke, but always be very aware that I am judging your every move. Most importantly, if your go-to method gets stale, maybe you just need a different receptacle. If that’s not doing the trick, eat a gram of weed! Or maybe, it’s time to suck it up and take a tolerance break. Your wallet will thank you.

Categories: April 20th 2021, water cooler

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