by wtstaff

You already know the vibes. Who gets passed the woods and who gets passed in the rotation.

NIGHTMARE

Aaron Kyro, Tom Cruise, Elizabeth Moss, Chick Corea

Scientologist legends. They would probably fake inhale, get you too high on purpose, and psychologically manipulate you into the sweet embrace of Xenu. I will be “passing” on this free personality test.

Charlotte Bronte, Emily Bronte, Jane Austen 

Fuck the Bronte sisters. I refuse to put the two little dots above their last name because they make me so mad. Jane Eyre is trash, and the fact that I don’t understand it reveals much less about my low-functioning brain and more about how much Charlotte Bronte sucked and would totally not be cool about the way you rolled your joint. The same goes for Emily. Jane Austen is cool cause she was clearly such a horndog all the time and hated social convention and stuff, but she was still British so you know she was probably annoying.  

Martha Stewart, Gwyneth Paltrow, Queen Elizabeth II

Martha’s gonna take wayyyy too long to roll a joint because it wasn’t “perfect” and then she’d spend the whole time talking about how close she is with Snoop Dogg. Like ok, if he likes you so much then why isn’t he here? She and Gwenyth would probably get into some deep discussion about quirky facemasks using dirt and pinecones. I would be completely lost. Elizabeth would bring another “snootier than thou” energy that I’m simply not here for. All of these people have tastes that I can’t afford. 

DREAM

Noam Chomsky, Jean Paul Sartre, Franz Kafka 

These three dudes would be so stoked to see each other. They would be like YOOOO. And Franz would start talking about turning into bugs and shit. And Jean-Paul would just be like Franz, man, you’re so crazy. And then Noam would start in on the linguistic origins of the word crazy itself. And I would just sit there having no idea what any of them are talking about. It would be so great. 

Me, Myself, and I

Fuck you. I sourced, bought, and rolled this solo. You never offer to throw and there’s an average of three Venmo request reminders which are just followed up by a “yo can I get you next time”. I’ve been very patient and understanding, haven’t I? Everyone has their limit and I’m not letting you ruin this holiday for me. 

Elle Woods, Bob Weir, Kendrick Lamar

Every single one of these individuals has divine wisdom to impart upon the world. Beyond that, they all value the individual, completely devoid of strict negative judgment. Elle would chillax to the max after a single hit, and tell me to dump my lame-ass boyfriend. Bob would second this point, out smoking all of us, and adding that I am a complete individual who has a world within myself. Kendrick might not smoke, but he would support everyone, and he would remind me that I am the only individual upon whom I can ultimately rely. This blunt rotation would be better than therapy.

Categories: April 20th 2021, creative