by: charliedickens-zeemouf

04/20/20 at UVM was dead due to covid: to begin with. There is no doubt whatsoever about that. Dead all the same is 04/20/21 on the Redstone Green, and there’s hardly a thing we can do to save it. But for every Stoner out there, mourning the loss, one can also find a 420 Scrooge. 

You might expect a 420 Scrooge to be a WE kid, but no. A Scrooge could not be any non-weed-smoker, because they’ve chosen not to partake in the drug or the culture. Even though UVM is the #1 Reefer Madness school in the USA, we can’t subject non-weed-smokers to our mess of a community. 

Try as we might, we can’t in good conscience make fun of the person in your friend group who wants to go to the 420 Wellness 5k “just for an ironic t-shirt” and MISS 4:20 on the Redstone Green. We will only throw one passing remark at the kid who actively condemns weed smoking, but rips every nic stick in sight. We know that you can’t handle any unflavored form of smoke, and we hope that one day, you learn to appreciate the burn and the head rush without a fruity flavor. <3

A 420 Scrooge can manifest in many forms, all of which result in Bad Sesh Vibes. Completely Unacceptable. 

One example might be your buddy who rips like 75% of the bowl when the group is packing, and then acts like nothing happened. And you’re staring at them in disbelief, wondering how, in several years of weed smoking is it possible that they wouldn’t know how to corner? Who is this person? You call that a friend? (Disclaimer: Of course, it’s cool if you wanna take snaps, but pack them outside of the rotation. This should be common sense. If you didn’t know that, consider this a lesson). 

A 420 Scrooge might also be the person who refuses to put down weed, or always conveniently forgets, when a group is packing a bowl. It goes without saying that when a brother forgets weed, you share your greens. But what are we to think when every hang sesh, this dude forgets weed? Come on now. We’re better than that.

A 420 Scrooge holds the joint while telling a long-winded story. They take three hits, then four. You’re supposed to be next in the rotation. You suddenly understand how your dog felt, being taunted by treats held in such close proximity. You feel like Tantalus of ancient Greece, forever thirsty and hungry in spite of being stood in a pool of fresh water up to your neck, arm extended for a fruit tree that is just barely out of reach. Mmmmm now you’re hungry. And thirsty. Ugh cottonmouth. (You get up to get water. You come back, and the joint has been passed. You curse your fate). 

Each and every 420 Scrooge must be taught a lesson. You know this, I know this, and the powers-that-be know this. On the eve of 04/20/21, 420 Scrooges everywhere will say “Bah Humbug!” as they rip a bowl packed for one and tuck themselves in for bed. That evening, though the doors of Harris Millis will be locked, the 420 Scrooges will be visited by three ghosts. 

stuck inwellness

The first ghost to visit 420 Scrooge will be the Ghost of 420s Past, a strange and childlike phantom, yet not so like a child as like an old man, viewed through some supernatural medium, which gave him the appearance of having receded from the view, and being diminished to a child’s proportions.  It had a bright and glowing head like a flame. The phantom will speak softly and gently to the 420 Scrooge, beckoning them closer. In a moment’s notice, they will be transported to another time and place. 

Like the glowing flame, the first thing to catch the 420 Scrooge’s eye will be the bright yellow jackets of the security guards. They’re asking for CatCards, as 420 Scrooge and the Ghost of 420’s Past wander by unnoticed. A loud ring of “3…2…1…” and a cloud appears above the Redstone Green. The Scrooge sees their friends, sharing joints with strangers! :,) The 420 Scrooge wonders how they ever did such a thing. Was it ever legal? (Technically no,,, but still). 

Then, the 420 Scrooge will notice their figure. They see that they brought a single blunt to the event, and since lighting, has kept it to themselves. They’re running around trying to mooch weed from friends and strangers alike, and they can’t spare a nug for a bro. Have they no shame? No respect for their fellow man’s greens? Suddenly, the 420 Scrooge will demand that the ghost remove them from these past visions. They’ll extinguish the fire with the candle snuffer held by the flaming figure. Though the ghost may be gone, the memories of 420’s past remain. 

After less than a moment’s peace, the second ghost to visit 420 Scrooge, the Ghost of 420’s Present will call to the 420 Scrooge, who will advance without argument. 420 Scrooge enters a room much like their own, but decorated with garlands of weed. Bongs sit on a trunk made to be a coffee table. On a large beanbag, there will sit a jolly Giant, glorious to see, bearing a glowing torch.

The 420 Scrooge will be asked to touch the robe of the Ghost of 420’s Past. After uttering an “ok but like,,, no homo,” the 420 Scrooge touches the belt of the robe and is propelled past the images of 420 of the year 2021. They see people putting towels under their doors, and ripping with their suite or their apartment housemates. Hundreds of students across campus pop edibles before donning masks. They walk around campus for a daze of a day. 420 Scrooge will see their closest friends, two roommates rolling a J for an evening walk. Here, the 420 Scrooge will notice that they have nobody with whom to share this holiest of days.

The Ghost of 420’s Present will introduce the 420 Scrooge to the forever isolated stoners who never leave their house and never share their greens. 

“Spirit, are they yours?” Scrooge could say no more.

“They are Man’s,” said the Spirit, looking down upon them. “And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it!” cried the Spirit, stretching out its hand towards the city. “Slander those who tell it ye. Admit it for your factious purposes, and make it worse. And abide the end.” The 420 Scrooge will return to their bed, afraid. 

The third and final ghost to visit 420 Scrooge will be the Ghost of 420’s Future. The phantom will slowly, gravely, and silently approach, as the 420 Scrooge bends on one knee to greet it (but like not in a gay way). The 420 Scrooge will be brought to the mysterious visions of what is yet to come. The Redstone Green is once again alight. While many share joints with friends, few pass between strangers. People who are worried about covid (or other respiratory ailments) will wear gas mask bongs, but even they feel one with their peers. The Ghost of 420’s Future will lead the 420 Scrooge to their own future. Just as 04/20/20 and 04/20/21, they pack a bowl for one and tuck themselves into bed. They have been removed from the bool. 

“Spirit,.” Scrooge shall say, “this is a fearful place. In leaving it, I shall not leave its lesson, trust me. Let us go.”

The Ghost of 420’s Future will bring the 420 Scrooge back to their solitary room. The 420 Scrooge will sit awake for a while, considering their interaction with the rest of the green community. They eventually fall into a slumber, awaking on the morning of 04/20/2021. A new sense of generosity shall be born into the 420 Scrooge. They will realize that the joy is not in the greens themselves, but in sharing the greens with those whose company one values most. 
The 420 Scrooge had no further intercourse (but not in a gay way) with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle (but not in a virgin way), ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep 4/20 well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge.  May that be truly said of us, and all of us!  And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!

Categories: April 20th 2021, front page