WE need to diversify our business

by savinobarile

As a starry-eyed first year, I was initially turned away by study on account of my being a “minor”. For months, I watched with envy as my mature peers tracked their sleep. Then, one November evening after I came of age, I marched into the lobby of the world’s lamest evil lair, Christie Wright Patterson, and fulfilled my destiny. I finally had it, a space grey Series 3. Everything I had ever wanted, a heart rate monitor, an overwhelming number of notifications, and becoming just another number in the system. 

WE’s foray into the nanny state was cut short by (surprise) the coronavirus pandemic. A once active student body was suddenly locked in their homes, and those who didn’t stay in surely would not want to relay their mischief back to HQ in Burlington. Any way you look at it, this experiment crashed and burned. WE can’t get their time, money, or watches back.

I believe it was Hubbard who said “The first step in changing the world is to deny it’s realities.” These words have evidently acted as a compass for the program, and should continue to as they navigate past this crisis. In order to save itself from bankruptcy, WE has to do what it does best; rebrand a terrible idea. To turn a profit they need to sell our data.

We live in a world dictated by numbers and figures, science and progress. Where there is data, there’s a market, and heh this isn’t California man. Who you may ask, wants access to the biometric data of a bunch of indoctrinated undergrads? Their future lords and masters, the wellness industrial complex.

WE is simply a facet of the greater WIC. It’s been an American tradition for companies to prey on our mental and physical insecurities, think fad diets, crossfit, and men attending therapy. Today, this business capitalizes on the thoughts in the back of our heads that we aren’t doing enough to maximize our potential, be the happiest we can be, or why is my ankle is sore. The WE-tizens have already submitted to this ideology, so why not provide them with tailored marketing of the tools they need to go all the way.

If we get steps-per-data in the hands of the right people, consumers can look forward to targeted coupons for hemp-based, Bluetooth-compatible, Blundstone insoles.  Analyzing geo-spatial data of scenic outlooks will aid in the marketing of just the right minimalist design of a sunset over some mountains and a lake and a pine tree. WE Coin transactions auctioned off to the emerging crypto division at Goldman Sachs, will help students start their virtual Robinhood 401ks early. Datamine baby, data mine!

This article must be hard for some of you to read, especially those of the Wellness Environment. If you’re feeling anxious, take a puff of that melatonin disposable vape and let the battery acid sooth your mind. I would like to apologize for the fact you’re so scared of coming in contact with drugs that you had to sign up for extra consequences in college. One day you will be a very well-adjusted member of a very expensive but powerless cult, think of this as a reverse-pay internship. The very foundation of the American upper middle class is giving money to people and organizations who promise to make your life better in vague terms.

Don’t worry, at least you’re better than those anti-vaxxer, Q-Anon psychos that you used to follow on Pinterest until February 2020.

If any members of the WE Administration see this piece, I will be forced to bill your organization for consultation work. Please CashApp $300,000 to @cambridge_analytica666. Thank you for your cooperation.

Categories: April 6 2021, around town, savino barile

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