the water tower guide to blockchain

by savinobarile

Blockchain is a term that gets thrown around a lot nowadays. While society and culture have slowed to a virtual standstill, people have finally been able to justify living inside of their computers. Blockchain technology is hailed as the future of security in the World of Tomorrow. But like all feats of science and math, is boring and complicated. If you’re reading the water tower, it’s fair to assume that you’re severely uneducated, brutally ignorant, and critically bored. Let this article serve as a guide to the truth.

First things first, how does blockchain work? 

Essentially, its a string of numbers and letters formatted in a way that they can elude even the most masterful applications of Command + C. Inputting data into a cryptographic hash function to produce a unique signature that uses pieces of ever-changing meta-data to achieve verification that’s stored on a block- and I’m falling asleep writing this. This is a key part of blockchain, it doesn’t matter if you understand how it actually works. Any amalgamation of the aforementioned vocabulary words should be enough to maintain an illusion of knowledge in conversation. Remember, it’s not what you know that determines your self-worth, it how others perceive you.

What do you even use it for anyways? 

Good question. While the applications grow every day, blockchain’s most prolific use is in the creation and backing of cryptocurrencies. Bitcoin, for example, is not minted by a government, but generated through the derivatively titled process “mining.” Miners must solve inconceivably complicated equations in order to add blocks to the chain, where they will then receive Bitcoin, I think. Until about 6 years ago, Bitcoin was exclusively used for meta-purchases of in-game currency on Minecraft servers, as well as buying krokodil online. Today, it’s primarily used as a medium for multi-level marketing investment scams.

Something something environmental impact?

Exactly. The downside of mining is that it took too long to solve these blockchain equations by hand. To mine one coin, it takes the computing equivalent ten thousand of Ti-84 calculators controlled by a Wii  It’s estimated that the annual global energy cost of bitcoin mining exceeds 90 terawatt-hours, trillions upon trillions of Texas Instruments. If Bitcoin was a country, which who knows maybe one day, its footprint would be in the sweet spot between the Philippines and Kazakhstan. Word from the circles of the crypto-intelligencia indicate the only way to offset these emissions is the mass purchasing of Tesla stock.

What’s the word on the blockchain block? 

The blockchain spotlight is shining on Non-Fungible Tokens. NFTs are pieces of data used to verify ownership of a digital asset, a textbook brain-melting application of the tech. NFTs #broketheinternet a few weeks ago when annoyingly names artist “Beeple” sold the nausea-inducing bidder “Metakovan” a JPG compilation of the worst pieces of art ever made for 69 million big ones. This “historic” moment marked the middle of the end for any semblance of a free Internet, a true victory for the soulless. Some of the hottest NFT listings right now include an mp3 file of “PLAYBOI CARTI- Skeleton ft. Lil Uzi Vert *CDQ*”, the original Vine of King Bach’s seminal work “Just A Spoonful”, and the elusive PNG of the water tower logo. 

There you have it folks, everything you need to be ever so slightly more informed than the average person. Whatever you do with this knowledge, do it with a sense of unearned superiority and condescension.

Categories: April 6 2021, news, savino barile

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