by livestocktrenter

I’d like to preface this review by saying that I am new to the livestock renting hobby. I am by no means an expert, but these opinions do come from the heart. I’m always looking for new livestock rental subreddits, please reach out to me at president@uvm.edu with any suggestions.

I’ve been a free-lance renter since I finished my business degree. I graduated top of my class with a GPA of 2.1, but this wasn’t enough for employers, apparently. To fill time while I look for jobs I’ve been renting animals. 

As a business student I learned how spending money works. And renting things. Renting is when you spend an amount of money on a product and only use that product for a certain period of time, rather than spend a full amount of money on that product and then use that product until it isn’t functional anymore. Renting is also something that can be done with houses, but it’s the opposite, because the house is not functional and the renter ends up paying the full price of a house. Capitalism is fun like that. Keeps you on your toes.

I got into animal renting in the fall of 2019 when my brother had a wedding which was BYOB. I mistakenly understood the wedding invite to mean “bring your own bird” and rented one crow from rent-a-murder. During my first google search I stumbled upon rent-a-murderer but it did not fulfill my needs for this occasion. I might review that service at a later date.

sam stillman

The bird ended up eating my brother in law’s premature baby, and I was asked to leave the wedding. I haven’t seen my family since then, but it’s probably just because they’re busy. Aside from the wedding mishap, my experience with crow renting was very positive. They gave me a 50% discount for my next rental because I returned the crow so well fed. Kinda like putting gas in a rental car I guess. 

Since renting the crow I have rented a variety of animals, but never livestock. I had considered renting a sheep, shearing it, making a sweater, putting the sweater on it, and returning it to the sheep rental company, but I realized that might put me in poor standing with the company, and I never know when I might really need to rent a sheep. For a wedding or something.

I discovered goat rentals on my town’s Facebook page when someone was looking for a way to get rid of poison ivy. It upset me that goats were being objectified this way, and I went to rent-a-goat as quickly as possible, to make sure no one from the Facebook group got there first. Especially John from South St. I hate John. 

I rented the entire supply of goats, roughly fifty, maybe a few more. I can look at the receipt but that’s not really important. I rented all of the goats for a day and set out to make it the best day of their lives. I drove through the Dunkin drive-through 54 times (so each goat would have a turn to sit in the front seat), and ordered each goat a medium iced coffee and hashbrown. 

After the goats and I had breakfast we drove to the Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts and I educated the goats about how they were the first livestock brought to the US. Most of the goats had no idea, which says a lot about our education system. Following the field trip I took the goats to Cape Cod. As soon as I released them on the beaches I began sobbing uncontrollably. There is truly no sight more beautiful than a beach becoming overrun with goats. They frolicked in the ocean and drank Busch Lite with the locals. 

The rental fee was extremely low for the experience. These goats may say I changed their lives, but really, they changed mine.

Categories: April 6 2021, review