coming to uvm: fast-forward microchips™!

by briandonahue

Got an exam coming up? A big presentation maybe? Things can get stressful, and sometimes we just wanna turn it all off. Try our cutting edge Fast-Forward Microchip™! It gives you the ability to fast-forward through all the bad, stressful times and wake up for the happy times! Just download the complementary app, set the time you want to wake up, and hit the big, red “Knock me out!” button. It’s as easy as that! Say goodbye to studying, boring classes, strenuous exercise, waking up in the morning, and that awful feeling that comes after getting over-excited and pounding down a little too much Grundle a little too fast. Heck, skip right through the rest of the pandemic if it floats your boat! Happy times await, so swing by the ominous, white tent on Redstone Campus–you know, the one that you see without really seeing it, saved from being an eyesore by instead being a huge blind spot– and we’ll perform the operation right on the spot. We’ll shove that microchip down your ear-canal faster than you can say, “I’m spankin’ happy to be a member of the Fast-Forward community!”

Sponsored by Fast Forward Inc. Making the days that count the only days!

Testimonials from pleased students:

Ever since I got a Fast-Forward Microchip™, my life has been an absolute blast! During my rare waking moments between classes, studying, eating salad, sleeping, cleaning, exercising, and thinking, I’ve tanked ice cream, played a lot of Fortnite, petted a dog, scrolled through Instagram, and taken a huge, sensual crud in the spacious, single bathroom on the third floor of the Howe library. Overall, I can definitely say that my average conscious moment has improved drastically, and I’d highly recommend this product to anyone who feels like they just want to fast-forward! —Kate

I decided I wanted to get a Fast-Forward Microchip™ because everytime I interact with another person, I find myself in a state of physical pain. I figured life would be easier if i could just skip all the awkward tension and live almost entirely in solitude! As I approached to white tent for my operation, a terrible sense of foreboding came over me, but the surgeons turned out to be very kind and accommodating! They strapped me down to a stretcher on the floor as I screamed in terror and struggled against four of five of them. Eventually, one of them grabbed one of the many empty Yuengling glasses scattered about and smashed it over my head, lights out. I’ve felt pretty great ever since! I can’t even remember the last time I consciously spoke to someone. Thank you, Joe Biden! —John

*The furious sound of fingers on a keyboard as words fill up a google doc with information about the Domesday Book in Feudal England. The fingers are Sally’s, who is sitting at her desk, consciousness turned off, unable to communicate with us. A low, guttural growl of visceral pain emanates from deep in her esophagus. Sally will likely be very happy to be done with this essay when she wakes up!* -Sally
Fuck yeah! Find me at the beach partying with the bros! Beers and joints, babe, beers and joints. I’m done with that nerd shit at schoorf, arg argh harklemplf! *Confused garmbling* —Benji

Categories: April 6 2021, reflections

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