Unless you live under a rock, you’ve surely seen one of the biggest pieces of news this year: Joe Biden tripping up the stairs of Air Force One, not once, but three times. After watching the video for myself, I read some comments stating how they would rather be six feet under than trip over their own. I thought those declarations were rather extreme, but I had a feeling they weren’t seeing the full picture. To the untrained eye, you’ve just witnessed an eldery man trip up a flight of steep stairs, but to someone who’s no stranger to political affairs you’ve just uncovered the biggest sex scandal since Ted Cruz liking Twitter porn on the sixteenth anniversary of 9/11.
In reality, Kamala was the one behind the unfortunate tumble. Behind the scenes she was controlling the vibrator Joe had been wearing all day. This may come as a shock to some. After all Joe is commander in chief, but Kamala is commander of his cheeks. If this does shock you, allow me to help you take a step back and provide some context. They’ve been in power for just over two months now, but all the walking action shots, drone striking the Middle East, and separating families at the border loses its fun after the first weekend.
On this particular afternoon they had just finished up multiple meetings and press conferences in the public eye to discuss the ongoing attacks and discrimination against Asian communities. Joe had a lot of eyes on him and was appropriately nervous, but Kamala was getting bold and wanted to try something new. She brought the vibrator on Air Force One on their flight out, and after some explaining and reassurance, Joe agreed. All day she had been teasing, edging him, and whispering reminders that the whole world was watching so if he makes even the slightest moan, they will all know.
Joe made it through the conferences, but right as he was waving goodbye to Atlanta on the steps of the jet Kamala threw it into overdrive. He finally reached his limit and collapsed on the stairs, but quickly remembering Kamala’s warning he hurriedly stood back up. Unfortunately for Joe, his legs were too weak from the stimulation and he only made it a few more steps before falling again. He found the strength to stand but Kamala hit him with a second wave of vibrations, causing him to collapse to his knees once again. Finally, Kamala granted him some mercy and turned off the toy allowing him to get up and rush up the remaining stairs. I can only assume that once the doors closed they made out passionately for the entire flight home.
This scandal has opened a floodgate of theories. Of course ever since the “we used to fuck” tension between the two during the deomcractic debates, I had been suspicious of an affair. Once Joe picked Kamala as his running mate, it all started to piece together. I can only guess how their affair started, but I’m more than willing to bet it was the classic “show up to a BDSM costume party, and play together without knowing each other’s identity.”
I for one am proud of these two. They continue to make history every day. Joe is the second Catholic president ever, and Kamala is the first female VP. Now they will be the first #KinkyAF President and Vice President!
Many do not agree with my enthusiasm and have claimed that this is all impossible because it’s highly unlikely Joe can even get it up anymore. To this I say, have some patriotism damnit! What kind of American are you to question the sexual ability of our president! Follow my lead and embrace his lack of impotence and willingness to explore! If there’s anything to take away from all this, it’s that it’s never too late to try new things. Take a page out of the president’s book and stick a vibrator up your ass!
Categories: April 6 2021, water cooler