by edenambrovich

The world is burning. 

Countless corporations melt through the skin and bones of dinosaurs to power their glossy new vehicles that are oh-so-different from the last model, throwing onyx fumes into the atmosphere where it sits and watches over the land. It’s biding its time before it can wrap its charred teeth around our miniscule bodies to swallow us whole. 

Still, old men with their slimy comb-overs continue to upgrade every year only to drive through the smog with top down, allowing the wind to further grey their already withered skin. Clouded plastic bottles line the streets for centuries, collecting layers of spit and piss over the years. Communal drinking waters run muddy brown from decaying feces drained from our sewage pipes. The world is black with the smoke pouring from our fingers, and through it all, we change nothing. 

During a Town Hall meeting AOC held in New York, however, a genius woman stood tall to spread her insightful message about how to solve this climate crisis. She slowly peeled off her outer jacket as she vehemently expressed her love for AOC’s involvement in the Green New Deal, but added that there’s more to be done. She finally allowed the black fabric to drop as she revealed the words written on her undershirt, expressing her preparedness in offering such a wildly progressive solution: eat the babies.

sam stillman

Let’s break this argument down:

1. End the issue of diapers and other single use plastic baby garbage. 
   1. 96% of American families use single-use diapers for their babies, on top of the countless other plastic toys, bottles, furniture, teething tools, etc. needed to keep them entertained. Plastic takes hundreds of years to break down in the environment, and even then, it only breaks into microplastics that never truly decompose. Ridding of the babies rids the need for the production of such harmful products from companies created to capitalize on your little one. 
2. End world hunger and build up that protein.
   1. All babies vary in size, so there’s bound to be leftovers on the 13 pound monsters that pop out. Sharing is caring, so pack it up and spread to those who haven’t had the privilege to consume their own offspring yet, or happen to be low on grocery shopping money that week. Besides, it’s time for a challenge that adds interest to your meals and allows for creative juices to flow. Instead of going out to restaurants to consume slightly less boring meals that you’re too lazy to cook yourself, you’ll be more inclined to eat at home and not produce so much food waste. The U.S. will no longer be the global leader in food waste once we get a taste of these babies.
3. More unprotected sex.
   1. Want to have more unprotected sex but fear the idea of having to care for a child for the rest of your life? Now you can go crazy! No need to sweat under flickering fluorescent lights as you panic buy condoms at a random gas station, feeling embarrassed under the scrutiny of the unhappy worker. You’ll pull funding from companies contributing to our climate crisis, while also ending your contribution to the issue of single use plastic disposal. 
4. Pro-lifers. 
   1. Now, you may wonder about how the pro-lifers will respond to this solution, but they’ve made it abundantly clear that they have no care for the child once it’s actually birthconceived, so unwanting parents will not be forced to care for a child, and pro-lifers will be happy to see the word “abortion” is out of the picture! Win-win. 
5. Bonus points: No more baby pictures. 
   1. No more standing huddled in front of your coworkers sticky, fingerprinted phone looking at pictures of their ugly babies. Once we rid the world of the menace that are ugly babies, you no longer have to smile and nod in agreement at how “cute” their child is, when in reality it looks like your Uncle Ralph from Ohio. 

Although the Green New Deal and other climate action is coming closer into fruition, nothing is going to be as vigorous or as effective as stopping the grease burn at the source. American babies produce more than 58.6 metric tonnes of CO₂ a year, meaning they’d need about 20 Earths to sustain their lifestyle forever. The U.S. creates the second most CO₂ emissions in the world, so clearly, there’s something different about the American bloodline that needs to be blocked. We’re nearing the point of no return as we continue to spread the rot of our fingers into the soil we tread upon. The plan to resolve this issue is foolproof: Save the Planet, Eat the Children.

Categories: 8, April 6 2021