anything to own the libs

by grantwoods

“Yes, just about anything to own the libs,” explained protestor Troy P., 34, of Bloomington, Minnesota. It was in Bloomington, home of America’s largest mall, that Troy and several other white men performed a strange stunt, allegedly in the name of owning the libs. The group lined the South entrance of the mall in red “Keep American Great” baseball hats. Oddly, the men were locked hand in hand and kissing, reportedly in protest of the Coronavirus Pandemic guidelines, before removing, in unison, their blue jeans to reveal matching boxers emblazoned with the face of former President Donald Trump. “I am a stupid poopie head and I am proud,” the group chanted, to the laughter and gasps of onlookers.

Gone is the party of Lincoln. In its wake is a GOP comprised predominantly of hucksters wheeling Trump-variety assholery to masses of President 45 loving idiots. The leaders of this “own the libs” movement are, amongst the many complicit members in Republican politics, Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley and Matt Gaetz. Instead, the theory goes, of focusing on important issues burdening our country currently, these politicians would rather perform sometimes petty, often defiant actions with the sole purpose of getting under the skin of the opposing party. In their snarky, subtle dissent, Cruz, Gaetz and many others can distract their constituents from actual substantive issues, instead enamoring them with the idea of feeling bigger than a lowly Dem. Why solve a climate crisis when you can instead eat bad chain pizza in the name of Papa John being cancelled? Why focus on systemic injustice when you can make liberals cry again?

The question remains, however, what led to the bizarre scene at the Mall of America. The origins of the supposed prank can be found on Parler, the now-defunct Twitter of the Right. As part of an ongoing Watertower investigation, user @trumper_69420 was found to have spurred the Minnesota protest. “Y’know what would really own the libs,” he Parler-ed last week, “if a group were to pull their pants down in unison at the Mall of America and be wearing matching Trump underwear. I know Libs and they told me they’d be pissed.” He went on to explain, in a series of posts, how “poopie-head” would soon be deemed politically incorrect, and the group needed to exploit cancel culture. When reached for comment, @trumper_69420, who is actually a San Francisco-based programmer and stand-up comedian, said that the message was meant to test the limits of the Conservative mindset. “How far will they go to own the Libs,” he wondered, as he told us under the condition that we keep his identity private. Ted Cruz, the bearded Texas Senator from Cancun, praised the mall self-pantsers. “If I know anything about what it means to be an American—to be a Patriot—it’s exactly what those brave men did. Protesting for what you believe in is exactly what this country is all about.” 

The Minnesota demonstration generated several imitation protests around the country. A man in Georgia was seen publicly performing fellatio on a blow-up Cat in the Hat doll on the steps of the State Capital in Atlanta. This sexual act was rumored to be in response to the Theodore Geisel estate independently pulling six offensive Dr. Seuss books out of production. In a video that trended on Parler, the man filming, wearing a Washington Redskins sweatshirt entered a fast food eatery and asked the cashier “Are you triggered!” The cashier, nonplussed, hasn’t time to respond before the man turns the camera on himself, proclaiming victory over the “triggered snowflake.” Without ordering, he leaves the restaurant as promptly as he entered. Meanwhile, “patriots” nation wide, sometimes at the encouragement of their Republican leadership, refused to wear a scientifically-backed and simple apparatus aimed at preventing the spread of a deadly disease. In common, these actions involve abandoning reason and intelligence in the name of making a minuscule political statement. The question is no longer “How far will they go,” it is instead, “Can’t you just stop it?”

Categories: April 6 2021, grant woods, news

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