why let the dogs out?

by b.s.

Updated 8:30AM ET, Tues March 23, 2021

Washington, DC

Major and Champ Biden, the two German Shepherds belonging to President Joseph R. Biden and First Lady Jill Biden have been sent back to their home in Delaware. The relocation took place after what Secret Service and local news stations are calling a “biting incident.” 

Major Biden, the 3 year old rescue dog, is accused of having shown aggressive behavior towards White House staff on March 10th. This incident occurred only a month after the dogs were moved into the White House, and the Biden family says that the dogs are having “a difficult time” adjusting to their new home.

A plausible story. And it would be believable, if either of the Biden dogs still had their teeth.

Following Kamala Harris’ announcement that she would be suspending her 2020 presidential campaign, Biden’s team began working on solidifying Harris as his running mate. This proved to be difficult, as Harris and Biden had clashed many times on the debate stage, and Harris was not willing to compromise her integrity by quickly joining the Biden campaign.

In exchange for Harris’ agreement to run beside Biden, Harris had the following list of demands:

-every first and third Saturday of each month Dr. Jill Biden would sleep at Harris’ home

-Joe was not permitted to ask questions about what Dr. Biden and then-Senator Harris did

-the teeth were to be removed from Major, Champ, and Hunter Biden as a form of reconciliation for Joe’s controversial opinions on bussing in the 1970s

The teeth removals happened shortly after the inauguration, so as not to alarm any media outlets reporting at the Capitol. Obtained veterinarian records show that 42 teeth were removed from each dog, and 32 from Hunter Biden. Harris kept Hunter’s lower right lateral incisor. An anonymous source reports that Harris keeps the tooth tucked into her bra to remind herself that she’s a “girl boss.” The remaining 115 teeth were donated to a local Etsy shop owner. 

As a result, reporters on the ground outside the White House have made a shocking discovery: The Biden dogs were not sent home due to an incident of aggression. The story served as a coverup to a century old government secret.

On August 22nd, 2020 former first lady Melania Trump unveiled the remodeled White House rose garden. The remodeling involved digging up every plant in the garden and feeding them to her son, Baron. Reports say that flowers and other leafy plants in the garden were served to Baron with meals. The 10 crabapple trees that were removed from the garden were given to Baron to gnaw on, as he is teething for the third time in his life. Baron has beaver-like tendencies, and Melania said that, “the wood…it soothes him…he can eat two tree[s] a day.”

As a result of the uprooting of plants in the infamous rose garden, soil was no longer held down, and long rain periods in October and November diluted the soil. As the grounds began to thaw in late February, the Biden dogs became attracted to the garden.

Groundskeepers passed the dogs’ new found interest in the garden as “dogs being dogs”. The lighthearted sentiments quickly faded when the dogs began digging. On February 24th the dogs dug up the decomposing body of former president Richard Nixon. Thought to be buried in Yorba Linda, California, this discovery was baffling to White House officials. 

During the week of March 1st the Biden dogs dug up 38 decaying bodies, all of which in different states of decomposition. Every deceased president was found, except the body of John F. Kennedy. Correspondents think this may serve as evidence that JFK is not in fact dead. United States Secretary of Defense, Lloyd Austin, has filed a report with the FBI. We reached out to the FBI for comment but did not hear back. 

Archaeologist Lawrence “Larry” Daley was unsurprised by this discovery. He suggested it made far more sense to bury the bodies of presidents on the White House grounds where civilians would not be able to find or alter the bodies. 

The families of the 38 former presidents are making arrangements to hide their respective bodies, now that their burials have been compromised. The Biden dogs are enjoying well deserved rest at the family home in Delaware.

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Categories: b.s., march 23 2021, news

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