we promise (to smuggle drugs)

by chadthunderdome

Campus has changed. I am so sick of the phrase “unprecedented times” or even just reading or hearing the word “pandemic”. You get it, I get it, shit has sucked and still sucks. The threat of hanging out with someone being a death sentence has completely restructured UVM in a way that is almost unrecognizable to pre-pandemic students. And no, this is not me trying to lament about UVM being “unfair” with their covid restrictions like a particular petition that has been passed around recently. People are dying, get over yourselves. I am here to rejoice that there is one thing that has remained constant throughout this arduous time: the Wellness Environment. 

Yes, you may not socialize, gather, or engage in person with your students in class. AND you may also not engage in the devil’s lettuce, satan’s alcohol, or any other substance that can be abused. But need not worry, dear reader, for in exchange from abstaining from substances that may ease your mind during the greatest recession and pandemic in human history, you may be granted an Apple watch for your good behavior. Yes, even as capitalism and society as a whole collapses around us you may still see freshman twist their wrists rapidly in order to tell the time, a thing their phones already did for them. But what if I told you there was something much more sinister to this ancient WE rite of passage? That being granted the small touch display on your wrist was not fully about seeing email notifications from Gerry Derr on even MORE screens? 

Here is where things get sinister. Let’s establish that a new Apple watch costs $400. Surely these gifts do not come from the generosity of Jimbo’s heart. Multiply that price by hundreds of new freshman each year and we’re talking some serious cash being spent annually. How could they ever justify this cost for little to no profit? Now there is the WE survey that collects your data each and every day. This makes Jimbo happy, he loves knowing how well you ate and slept today, as when he knows; anyone can know. Selling your precious data certainly would help cover the cost of the watches, but only slightly. So how do they make up for this financial loss? 

In order to smuggle drugs into America, Pablo Escobar went to many great lengths. Hiding bricks of cocaine inside of television sets, jacket linings, and disgustingly enough, pregnant women. WE has operated similarly under our noses. You heard it here first: WE has been smuggling drugs onto our campus for years, all while preaching the abstinence of substance use. Since the rollout of Apple watches being provided to new WE students in 2017, each Apple watch comes with a small bag of cocaine hidden in the lid of the box. Nobody would check the generous gifts being given from the drug-free cult, especially when campus police are bribed when inspecting deliveries. Trucks come in and out for years, each raking in profits. And no, they certainly didn’t stop with just watches, and they certainly didn’t stop with cocaine. If you’ve gone through the Healthy Brains Healthy bodies course, you’ve probably been given a WE branded brain shaped stress ball. If you have one, I invite you to take a knife and open it up (the water tower is not liable for any injuries). Inside you will assuredly find a small baggy containing about 10 grams of meth purer than that of the legendary Heisenberg. 

Everything that WE hands out is like this. Have you ever purchased a sock from the WE store in the lobby of CCRH and put it on to feel extremely energized and hyper focused afterwards? Yup, that’s cocaine. If you take a pair fresh off the shelf and shake it all off of the sock’s fibers, you’ll get about 3 grams worth. Imagine how much they got onto the flannels that they sold there. The blankets they passed out at a showing of Knives Out housed full kilos of heroin within. It’s a vicious process, first they give you a watch that brings drugs onto campus, you give your data in the WE survey, you get WE coins, and you unknowingly spend it at the WE store on the drugs THEY smuggled in. You become hooked, fiending for your next reward for being a good puppet. Obeying your new master, you continue to collect coins for that moment of bliss from donning new WE merch. 

I implore you to realize that shackles that have been literally been put on your wrists, and that it is finally time to take them off. Spread awareness of this unhealthy parasitic relationship between you, Jimbo, and the other WE overlords. Cleanse yourself in the way the “drug free” environment never truly intended on.

Categories: march 23 2021, side bar

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