POV: you’re a freshman living in CCRH. You are walking down the hallway when you see a kid walking towards you. You don’t recognize them. Is this an infamous Mercy sophomore? Or maybe you’re just a terrible floormate and have never introduced yourself to them. It’s probably just some recluse partier that’s been forced to stay indoors during these frigid months. Hmmm, but somethings off. No no this has to be a Mercy kid. They look weak. They haven’t acclimated to the oppressive, life sucking energy of Central quite yet, and it’s clearly taking its toll on them. They had thought about taking a tolerance break but this was not what they had in mind.
Believe it or not, in these covid times this is a common occurrence and we here at the water tower want to help you out! If you ever find yourself in this situation and you want to be 100% sure, here are five foolproof ways to figure out if the stranger is from Trinity.
- Submit. Apologize Immediately.
- Don’t say anything except “i’m sorry” not even an introduction. If they look confused, sorry that’s a Centralite. Give your fellow comrade a curt nod and explain that you thought they were a Trinity kid (hopefully they will take this as a compliment and you can go on with your day). If they give you a slow nod of understanding; congratulations, you’ve established contact. Maybe now you can give each other a fun nod or a wave in future passings.
- Ask them if they smoke.
- If they clap a hand over your mouth and implore you to be quiet, that’s a Central kid. They might not act so dramatically, but if they say “oh yeah, totally” and then dive into a story about how high they were “this one time with a friend at a party” that’s also a Central kid. However; if they say “yeah bro” and pull a bong they were about to wash out of their cargo pants with Mary Poppins bag type pockets, that’s most definitely a Trinity kid.
- Invite them to a “jam sesh”
- If they respond with “yeah for sure my dude! I’ll grab my ukulele, I can practice what Phoenix taught me!” run. You’ve made a fatal mistake. That is in fact a Central kid that is too far indoctrinated. There is no saving them. But, if they give you a slight nod and mumble something about wanting to add a freestyle rap to Oasis’s wonderwall, and go to grab their acoustic guitar, good job that’s a Trinity kid! In this scenario you should also run.
- Ask them if they’ve ever tried shrooms (or any “hard” drug)
- If they tackle you to the ground, taze you and page Jim, you’re fucked. You’ve discovered an undercover WE agent (colloquially referred to as a Wagent). You’ll probably get kicked out of Wellness, which is honestly a good thing. If you’re worried about this interaction, simply slap “hypothetically” in front of the question to skirt all liability. On the other hand, if they respond “yeah bro i’m on hour 12 of a trip right now!” That’s a Trinity sophomore. Give them a nice thumbs up (not too fast, don’t make any sudden movements) and allow them to continue down the hallway.
- Check for WE markers
- If you are feeling particularly brave or perhaps have mastered krav maga, you can avoid verbal interaction and check for WE markings. This will require you to incapacitate the stranger, but it is the most sure way to detect a WE victim. Check for the following: Apple watches a few generations behind, clothing with the WE logo (it will also most likely be accompanied by a Black Lives Matter logo), a “Jim Hudziak <3” tramp stamp, or if you have a skilled eye, a microchip directly behind the left ear. If you cannot detect any of these markers, it’s a Trinity kid!
Hopefully these tips will aid you in your daily life! Now that you know how to spot the trinity kids, you can continue to not interact with them when you see them in the hallway once every two weeks!
Categories: around town, march 23 2021