every sleep talker is a moron

by sophiewolfe

Some people sleep at night, I don’t know how they do it, but they do it. Some people I guess know the way to turn their brains and their bodies off at the same time and within minutes they fall right asleep, meanwhile my ass is laying there 100% awake for some reason thinking about stuff like: that one time at high school graduation when some guy I had never talked to told me that he “hoped I learned to calm down one day”. What was he talking about? And how did he know?

Some people don’t have that problem. They just fall asleep. Sometimes, during this sleep, they start talking! And how these two things can be true at the same time I have no idea but it’s one of the more horrifying natural phenomena I have experienced up close (second only to the phenomenon of boys becoming men, which is historically deeply upsetting to everyone). The muttering comes out of nowhere, gut punches you in the dark like you’re at summer camp and some kid just fell out of their bunk bed. If you’re someone who doesn’t sleep a lot, somebody who lies around waiting for the night to be over, like me, you get to hear a lot of this bizarre night nonsense. Look at these dummies: perfectly fine people during the day, functioning college students who hold pencils and use laptops and form sentences. But in their sleep, they lose their cool, molded by their own backstabbing brains into slurring, malfunctioning noise machines. As I have never been a sleeper, I have also never been a sleep talker. So it is HELLA easy for me to look on in harsh judgement and mock. Ha Ha Ha. Idiots. Y’all sound stupid. 

Sometimes I forget who I am and start to think, shit, it must be nice to be free like that, to drift so heavily into sleep that all your faculties really and truly abandon you, you can peace out for real, get so deep down there that your dumb mouth starts just blindly signaling to the rest of the world exactly how chilled out you are. Yeah, it must be nice. But then I remember the important thing: y’all sound stupid. And I’m not jealous of it at all. Learn to talk, dweeb! You’re no better than me because the machine of your body makes the choice not to fail you every night, because you fall asleep so deeply that at around 4 AM you randomly say some bullshit like: “BLEH BRR SHAAH Your mom needs to FRRR After the BLEHH Tomato JJJHHH Go find the RRRHHH”. That doesn’t even mean anything, you infantile chump! Read a book, why don’t you? Ridiculous. I’m laying here ten feet away from you thinking about how insane you sound. I could laugh. I don’t, because I’m so exhausted and tired and miserable. But I could. Yeah, I’m laying here awake in the middle of the night laughing. Or wanting to. Or thinking about it at least. Talk your shit! Go ahead! Tomorrow morning you’ll get up and ask me if I ever got to sleep and I’ll say no and you’ll look at me like I’m a bird that just flew into a glass window and died, but all the while I’m gonna have the upper hand. Sure, maybe I haven’t gotten a solid night’s rest since middle school. But I know I have the upper hand. Cause I heard you. And you sounded wack. Straight up wack.

Categories: around town, march 23 2021, sophie wolfe

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