It’s vaccine szn baby! While this might mean things are looking up, (the U.S. is at its lowest seven-day average of new cases since October), we are in no way out of the woods. Still, there is light at the end of the tunnel, hopefully. But, as we have learned in the past year, no matter how dim that light might seem, there are people out there who are even dimmer. As millions of vaccines are distributed every day, there are still thousands of people who are weary of taking a vaccine for a reason that is somehow more idiotic than not knowing what’s in it (go ahead and tell me what’s in the McRib, I dare you).
This is the belief that the vaccine contains a 5G microchip which will be used to track the global population like cattle. These people, while thankfully few in number, are sprinkled throughout our communities. They are your conspiracy theorist uncle who is so paranoid he thinks Alex Jones is a government agent, the guy down the block who looks like Riff Raff, or your step-mom who tries to convince you that celery juice will help stop the spread of your mother’s breast cancer (oh how I wish the last one wasn’t true). They may come in various shapes and sizes but there is one thing that unites them all: they are all literal bricks.
There are two reasons that this line of thinking is incredibly naive. The first is relatively simple: you are not worth microchipping! Your life is not that interesting! And unlike a private corporation that might be able to profit from our boringness, the government stands to gain nothing from it. In fact, it might in our best interest for us all to get micro-chipped, then the government might finally begin to take public physical and mental health seriously after seeing how lonely, lazy, and sad we all are (okay I might be projecting on this one).
But seriously, think about it this way – it would probably cost millions of dollars to develop these chips, a few more million to pay everyone off to keep quiet about them, and then possibly a few thousand dollars for each injection. Don’t even get me started about the possible extra cost of assassinating those pesky journalists who “want to bring truth and justice to the people.”All in all, your little microchip costs the government tens of millions of dollars to put in your low-iron bloodstream. And for what? To know without a doubt that you haven’t left your apartment in days, binging Naruto for the fourth time in three months, stuffing chips and queso down your gullet (again I might be projecting here). Do you think your worth that kind of money? I know I’m not.
This brings us to the second reason. Let’s say for shits and gigs that our government and private corporations were actually working together to steal wealth and power from the people, hoarding it for a select few. I know, a crazy thought, but it’s just hypothetical, right? In that case, it would make sense for the government to microchip you because while they might not be able to do anything with the vast majority of data collected from the ‘chips, corporations could make phat profits. But even in this scenario, you are still not worth microchipping.
What would the data gained from a microchip implant be used for? Tracking your location? Reading bio-signals to know what to sell you? Maybe even implanting messages in you to sway your mood or thoughts. Well, all of this is possible through your handy dandy smartphone (which by the way is not listening to you, your thoughts are just incredibly predictable but that’s a story for another day), so a microchip is unnecessary. Most of the apps on your phone are recording your precise location every second and logging every click and interaction you make online in an effort to figure out how to sell you shit, among other things. Then they turn around and sell that data to people who are trying to do the same thing. There is literally no point in investing time and resources into injecting Americans with microchips when you will pay $1,000 to do it yourself.
Look, we have so much to worry about we have no time to be worried about being injected with microchips, so next time you hear someone ranting about Bill Gates plan to put a chip in the arm of every American citizen please kindly and politely tell them to get their head out of their ass.