I’m sure by now you’ve seen the eyesore our lovely lady has become. I mean it was impossible to miss the water tower being covered with what looked like a shower curtain for a few weeks last semester. For some reason, UVM has found excuses to continuously work on our monument of upstanding journalism. I had been asked by countless friends and acquaintances what was going on with the tower, what was being done to it, and what the future held for it. I had no answers for their concerns. I simply write for the paper, and we had no actual idea what was being done. Yet these questions burned at the back of my mind. I began to research, conduct interviews, and I am now closer to the truth than ever.
Let’s begin with the basics. Let’s establish a water tower as “an elevated building supporting a water tank constructed at a height sufficient to pressurize a water distribution system for the distribution of potable water, and to provide emergency storage for fire protection”. The follow up question is then ‘why do we even have a water tower?’ I asked an employee of the Francis J. O’Brien water treatment facility about our tower. They stated that “the pumps in this building just aren’t strong enough to pump water all the way up the hill. What we do instead is that at about 3am each day we fill up a few tanker trucks and drive em’ up the hill. Hook the suckers up to the tower, refill er’, and do it again the next morning”. I prodded, and asked whether or not having a couple trucks with heavy loads spewing diesel into the atmosphere each day would be better for the environment than just installing new pumps. They went pale as they explained that “well, UVM is a huge part of the town y’know. Your uh president specifically asks us to make these deliveries. I really can’t say anymore”. I was then removed from the premises.
This left me with all the more questions. I figured if this was true, I could watch them fill the tower in the early hours. Like clockwork, 3am came and so did the trucks. One person climbed the tower to link the pump from the truck, and within 15 minutes, they drove off. All 3 trucks emptied of cargo. I looked through my binoculars and something was a bit different. There was a green light emanating from the hatch atop the tower. It was left ajar. My curiosity got the best of me. As I approached the base of the tower, I noticed an electrical panel was also left open. This held the controls to how water flowed from the tower. The line from the tower was closed, yet the line from the purification plant downtown was on. Confused, I realized that the water tower never actually provided our campus with water. The pumps downtown actually worked. If this was true, what is actually in the tower? What were they pumping up there. I remembered the strange green light. I knew I needed to find out for myself.
I took a deep breath, and began to climb the ladder up. I lifted the glowing hatch and peered down at the truth. The glow came from a complicated array of computer screens wrapping around the walls of our beloved tower, and four tubes filled with a green liquid. I descended into the tower, and realized that within these tubes were bodies. They did not look like mine, however. Their heads were large, as were their eyes. I quickly realized that I was in the presence of aliens, and that UVM had been hiding them right under our noses. Their chambers began to burst with steam as the green liquid drained out. The glass slid open, and suddenly I was unable to move. The first being, who I assumed to be their leader, explained to me that they had been rebuilding their strength since crash landing into Lake Champlain. The tower began to rumble. The walls peeled away as I was suddenly able to see the world around me. We began to levitate, separating from the base of the tower. You see, after all, our tower was actually a UFO. We shot off into the sky, where I still remain captive on their ship. So please, do not ask me what’s been going on with the water tower ever again. Send someone else to get abducted by aliens.
Categories: ben duhamel, march 9 2021, news