disrespect the pouch, respect the keg

by b.s.

On January 29th at roughly 2:30am I stumbled upon a video of what was dubbed “big Capri Sun”. The video showed hundreds of Capri Suns being squirted into a five-gallon bag, slapped on the counter, and being drunk by five innovative teens. The video was near perfect: comradery, Strawberry Kiwi juice, yellow straws, but one thing stood out to me. In the process of creating the ethereal artificial juice cyst, these comrades had produced a heinous amount of plastic waste. As a tree hugger, this was devastating, and I turned off my phone and cried myself to sleep.

Following this trauma I began doing extensive research into the Capri Sun dynasty. I’ve decided against doxxing the CEO of Capri Sun–in this issue–but if you find yourself so compelled to fire bomb his home, the eco-terrorist Rod Coronado has many fascinating tutorials on DIY molotov cocktails. If you’re unsatisfied with these results try looking on 5 Minute Crafts. 

The Capri Sun company has faced backlash for this issue before, and has created a dilapidated infographic to cover their ass. In said infographic they explain that their goal is to make Capri Sun pouches recyclable by 2025. They explain to us, the proletariat, that the pouch and the environment cannot coexist, that we must choose one.

So I raise you this, Capri Sun. Instead of trying to make compostable Capri Suns, or reusing the plastic, you simply drop the pouch. We as a society have evolved past the need for a pouch. This is the era of the keg. The literal only use for a Capri Sun pouch was school lunches, and ever since Michelle Obama abolished fun, Capri Suns aren’t allowed within a 3 mile radius of elementary schools. Chris D’Elia and Capri Suns may have more in common than we thought.

sophie spencer

The Capri Sun keg’s target consumer is the 20 year old. Burdened with their increasingly wrinkled and grotesque bodies the Capri Sun keg will serve as a sweet relief from the agony they call existence. Sure, kegs aren’t really that easy to recycle either, but think about how fucking sick it would be to do a keg stand chugging the beverage of our childhood. Think of the fucking symbolism.

The spent keg has infinitely more uses than a Capri Sun pouch. A quick bout of research on Reddit brings about many innovative uses for an empty Capri Sun keg, all of which are so much cooler than a tote bag. Consider perhaps: a sink, a barrel filled with acid to decompose a body, a barbecue, a urinal, a home defense mechanism, a lighting fixture, a kitchen table, a temporary tire on your 1992 honda civic, or simply just refill that bastard. The Capri Sun pouch could NEVER.

We don’t even need to make more kegs. We can collect them off beaches and from alleys, since Capri Sun and it’s drinkers are already so riddled with toxic bacteria that the keg should be more afraid of the drinker than he is of the keg. In short, the Capri Sun crisis can easily be resolved as soon as this week, making it Biden’s first achieved campaign goal since assuming office. The environment, as well as 20 year olds everywhere are very fortunate to exist in 2021: the Year of the Keg. Fuck boxed wine. Capri Sun keg or bust.

Categories: b.s., cooler, march 9 2021

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