dining hall review: a study in ice, baby

by kellyrobinette

Everyone knows the major food groups: whatever the normal ones are and ice. The key to any good diet is ice, and I take my ice consumption very seriously. The best part of my day is sitting down to a nice meal, filling a cup to the brim with those cold cubes, and just munching away to my heart’s content. There is nothing more pleasant than slowly losing feeling in your tongue as you keep going back for refills of that frozen goodness. Because of my obsession, I have decided to help everyone out who may be wondering where the best ice on campus is and rank the different ices for you. I’m just kind that way. After all, anyone reading this is obviously here to listen to me and worship my opinion. So without further ado, the ice rankings!!! 

Let me just preface this by saying that there is no bad ice. Ice, in and of itself, is a wonderful creation and is fabulous just for being ice. However, Central is pretty close to being bad. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am not one to turn away from a challenge. If someone tells me that I am not capable of doing something, that is almost a guarantee that I will in fact be doing that thing. Going on five years of being vegetarian now after being told I wouldn’t be able to do that, so let’s not jump to any hasty decisions about my willpower and strength. You might be thinking, “what’s the problem with Central ice?” The problem is that Central ice fights back and when I sit down with a large cup of ice I want to calmly devour my favorite snack, not wage a war in my mouth. When I eat Central ice, I’m not sure whether the resulting crunch is the ice or my teeth falling out and being chewed by my few remaining teeth. That’s not to say this stopped me from refilling my cup and going for round two, but the experience could have been more enjoyable. Also, the shape and size of Central ice is less than ideal. The cubes (can I even call them that when they’re not cube shaped?) start out too large and then if you attempt to suck on them (no judgement but sucking is for suckers) they turn into sharp spears that impale your cheek until you beg for mercy and surrender. Because of this, I sadly must say that Central ice ranks fourth on my list. 

Next up, in third place, is the Grundle! Grundle ice is not bad, which is the biggest compliment the Grundle has received in years. When I was doing my research and eating the Grundle ice, it was entirely pleasurable. My first thought was “hmm, okay.” However, nothing sets this ice apart from any other ice. It is perfectly average, and that’s why it must come in third. 

Next, in second place… Trinity!! Trinity ice is genuinely good ice. I have never been to Trinity dining, and I’ve only heard bad things about it, but the ice has me wondering if some good could lie within those asbestos infested walls. Maybe the 200 mile trek to Trinity is worth it if they have this ice all the time. Now you may be wondering, “how was I able to acquire this ice without entering the vicinity?”. But I shall remain mysterious, because what am I if not an enigma? Anyway, back to the ice! Trinity ice is pretty similar to the ice from the Grundle except for the shape. Trinity ice is a little smaller and shaped like thimbles. This magnifies the pleasure gained from the experience since you can stick your tongue inside and play with it. After all, food is so much more enjoyable when you can play with it, right? 

Now, the moment everyone has been anxiously awaiting… First place goes to Redstone!! When I first tasted Redstone ice, I fell in love. I came to UVM to hang out with friends and maybe learn a little, but I was not expecting to meet my one true love. Simpson ice is a beautiful creation. It has the perfect crunch to softness ratio so that you can feel like a predator while also saving your teeth. These ice cubes are miniature as well, and who doesn’t love to feel like a giant munching on a glacier? I know I do! So to sum up, Central ice eats you back so it comes in last and Redstone ice restores my faith in humanity.

Categories: around town, march 9 2021