bite bites (and is powered by human souls)

by keanwean

You’re sitting there on your computer, your Teams meeting turned down to the lowest volume while you’re watching TikToks and probably scratching your crotch when something suddenly grumbles. Your stomach! God forbid you’re a bit hungry! Your fingers fly to your home screen, searching. Your heart pounding as your glossy eyes flick over your endless pages of apps. Where is it? You hear yourself cry! A tight worry flowering in your chest. Moments before panic sets in, finally you find it. Bite! Oh, glorious Bite! From the dank depths of COVID Hell one sliver of hope parts the darkness. Takeout. A warm smile washes over your face. New World? Skinny P? Something covered in beets and lentils from the grundle? The possibilities are endless. Pulling your greasy hand out of your pants you finally make your choice. The walk to pick it up is excruciating, your body succumbing to the cold as the heat leeches from your sweatpants. But finally, you’re back in your bed. The eco-ware glows green in your hands, the emerald of your dinner already in your grasp. The limp, room-temperature pasta hits your salivating mouth and it’s the best thing you’ve ever had because you’re eating it in your bed. Let the TikToks and crotch scratching resume! 

But what if I told you that not all was as it appeared? What if I told you that those chicken tenders you just picked up at Green Roof were brought to you through the demonic powers of Sodexo? Every time an order is missing a component–apple, fries, sauce, etc.–lord Bite demands a sacrifice. The iPad which holds the Bite orders beeps and 20 new tickets come through. The printer screeches like nails on a chalkboard while the tickets fly out. As I flip out crepes and bang together egg-sandwiches I see the whisps of my coworkers’ souls slowly flowing back to the infernal machine. The mechanical dementor continuing its rampage with its new power. “Please!” we cry, “We can’t keep up with all of these orders!” The machine cackles at us, “More orders, more power my pretties!” Clink. Another 20 orders. Arms hurting, backs weak, souls drained. Businesses like The Skinny Pancake and New World Tortilla are not even Sodexo companies, and yet they are still caught firmly in the clutches of Bite. 

I put my life on the line to recount this story to you, dear reader, but have you ever gotten a monetary bonus for using Bite? Are you on points and every few meals you get 2.50$ free? Each time you select that button, each time you use those rewards at the various select locations Bite claims another life. But the world does not have to be so dismal, does it? No! How can you help defeat the traitorous bastards at Sodexo and help release the souls of works from the depths of hell? Just think, the next time you’re sitting there thinking of ordering Bite, you could be saving a life instead. You can help out the overworked and understaffed campus locations by ordering in person, going to cool places like the Marche and the Grundle. With each meal ordered in person, I can see the shackles that hold me shrinking, a little of my soul returning, and the eventual demise of Sodexo and Bite.

Categories: march 9 2021, news

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