If things have gotten too boring in the bedroom, fear not! The writers and sexperts at the water tower have devised a list of ways that women engaging in sexual acts with men can spice things up by striking fear into the hearts of their partners. (This list might work for other folks too! But, as we all know, the Hets™ need all of the help that they can get.) These quick and easy tactics are guaranteed to make that special guy in your life feel utterly befuddled, if not slightly tormented 😉
As we always say: if the sex can’t be good, then it should scare the living SHit out of everyone involved. With that, we deliver 10 Easy Ways to ~Terrify~ Your Man in Bed:
- If your partner tries to choke you, you can respond by ~playing dead~
This is exactly the perfect moment to remind your partner of the value of your presence and the fragile nature of human life.
(Also, if they choke you unsolicitedly, then they deserve this kind of reaction.)
- ~Bring a caterpillar~
Show them that you want this relationship to grow into something beautiful by bringing a caterpillar to your partner. One day, it will grow into a butterfly. Or a moth.
- At any point, you can spice things up by ~laughing really hard~
After all, if the sex can’t be good, and it can’t be scary, then it should be hilarious.
- INTENSE EYE CONTACT. (~DO NOT BLINK.~)
It’s nice to feel this kind of deep connection with your partner. Truthfully, though, staring into the depths of their soul isn’t the only way to feel close to your partner…
- ~Repeat everything~ that your partner says
If your partner says something like “Are you wet?” You can reply with “Are YOU wet?”
(He’s bewildered. He doesn’t think he’s wet. Is that right? Should he be wet?)
- If you give your partner a blowjob, you can try ~spitting his cum into your hand and asking if he wants it back~
Show your man that you’re considerate of his wants and needs. A good partnership is all about equal exchange.
- Try ~singing~ to your partner.
My song recommendation is Kate Bush’s “Wuthering Heights.” This lilting tune will drag your partner back to the Victorian era on the English moors. They’re guaranteed to hate it, and love it too.
Beginners can start by counting upwards in a monotone, robotic voice.
More advanced students of this method can try counting backwards from a number like 33.
- This is the perfect moment to ~ask him about his last fishing trip~
We here at the water tower know that the boy you’re fucking has at least one fishing photo somewhere on his social media. He’ll appreciate it if you take this time to ask “How big was it again?”
- If you’re in missionary (for the millionth time) then you can try ~sneezing in his face~
The internet tells us that sneezing is like 1/8th of an orgasm. So that’s something to work with. Do it eight times.
So the next time you and your significant other are getting ready to do the same dirty that you always do, try spicing it up with some surprising twists! Just remember to be conscientious of your partner’s wants and needs, even when you’re confounding them beyond belief. The nature of these practices is to confuse, not to abuse, in order to spice things up! In the end, these tactics are designed to please. Nothing’s sexier than letting your partner know that you’re a special kind of unhinged. <3
Categories: march 9 2021, water cooler