volcel anthems: an unfuckable playlist

by wtstaff

lane dibler

Fuck a boner jam. Here at the Water Tower we celebrate one sexual act, and one sexual act only: celibacy. In a tribute to UVM Virgins, here are the songs we find impossible to fuck to. Stay pure my friends. 

“yakety sax” by boots randolph

This song reminds me of minor traffic violations, particularly speeding. Yakety Sax shifts me into maximum overdrive. If this was on my sex playlist I would cum much too fast. 2/10.

“imagine” by john lennon

Yeah yeah world peace says the domestic abuser . We all know One Direction is 10 times better than the Beatles anyway. Thinking of listening to anything by the beatles while boning? Choose the classier choice of Rock Me by One Direction instead. 0/10

“the great curve” by talking heads

The high tempo polyrhythms of this song would increase the chances of career ending injury. I would also need to explain the complex time signature to my partner(s), breaking the spell of romance. -1/10

“wap” by cardi b and megan thee stallion

Redundancy is the biggest turn off. But, 6/10

“orgasm of death” by the growlers

Spoiler alert! 2/10

“smells like teen spirit” by nirvana

Getting railed to ANY Nirvana song will put you in the hospital– which can be totally enjoyable, but if you’re getting fucked to the point of injury, it’s best not to pick such a basic song. Try “Come As You Are” 😉 6/10

“star” by brockhampton

You have a flashback to how annoying and lost you were in high school. Are you still lost now? Who are you? You start crying like a stupid little baby. 4/10

“island in the sun” by weezer

Anything by Weezer is already, inherently, unsexy. This song also adds in a sung little “huh huh” every few moments, making this the Least Sexy Song of all time. -1/10

mr. brightside” by the killers

Cant cum when I’m Coming out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine 0/10

“bigger than life” by lil uzi vert

I done made so many millions, ain’t nothing to think about. And she fuck with me cus I’m the one who still come back even though I made it out. Wow. Talk about a song. This beat is great and the chorus would be great to fuck to if you wanna go home and get with a local from your hometown! 2/10 

“jump in the line” by harry belafonte

If you’re looking to do a sexy little dance before you Get Into It, then this song is a great option, but once you really Get Going, it’s entirely too consuming. You’re not thinking about Your girlfriend anymore, you’re thinking about Señora, how she shakes shakes shakes and works works works it all the time. Still, 7/10

“how to save a life” by the fray

Sad songs make for sad fucks. This song hits especially hard when you’re fucking your best friend’s girlfriend. You begin to wonder why you came. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere alone in the bitterness. Tears fall onto her skin. Your soul pours one out for the lost homie. 4/10

Categories: february 22 2021, tunes