by b.s.

I had a nightmare, scratch that, a divine vision. I realized as I swiped my card at Simpson dining hall that I was completely naked, and at this point the line behind me was too long for me to exit without having to say “excuse me.” My biggest fear was not that I was completely nude in the Simpson dining hall, but that I was barefoot, and terrified of getting business-foot. Having only been to Simpson twice before realizing I was a little too gay to be there, I needed to consult Simpson patrons in order to understand the ins and outs of the operation, and hopefully create a guide for any student that should find themselves in such an unfortunate situation.

I’ll start by addressing possible scenarios that could render you unconscious and nude in Simpson dining hall, so as for you to avoid them, or pursue them. I’m not your therapist. 1) eating homemade edibles you bought from the dining hall staff while they were on their cig break out back. 2) day drinking on laundry day. 3) washing your adderall down with yerba.

Should you find yourself afflicted by Simpson nudity there are actually many possible ways to escape. The first, and most obvious solution is to pretend this is all part of a performance art piece. Loudly declare to Simpson’s audience that you ARE in the Arts and Creativity LLC. With enough confidence, you are unstoppable. While you’re at it, work on detaching the television that says “please keep six feet apart” from the wall. Once you’ve acquired your television, make your way to the most crowded part of the dining hall. Calmly begin an auction, starting the bidding at $50. This will be enough to buy a hat from the campus bookstore, which you can then use to cover one (1) breast. 

The second solution should you be fortunate enough to come to consciousness nude in the Simpson dining hall is to gather together as many of the rolling booths as possible. You will need at least five (5). Once you’ve gathered your materials, make a fort, preferably in a corner, so you only need to keep watch on two sides, rather than four. Using twigs and other natural resources, fashion a weapon, perhaps a shiv, to protect yourself. Take a short break to get chicken fingers, then return to your fort and hide until the dining hall closes. Be sure to scratch tally marks into the walls of your fort so that future Simpson diners will not forget your sacrifice. Once the dining hall has closed, be sure to exit on the right side of the barrier, or else the woman at the front desk will make you go back around.

The third solution, suggested by a real Simpson diner, is to make your way to the bathroom. Remain extremely calm so as to not alarm your fellow diners, for if you walk too quickly they may think someone is doing coke in the bathroom and rush to join you. You do not want company for what you are about to attempt. Once inside the bathroom open up the window and go out head first. You do not want anyone with you as you work on your escape because they will surely get a full view of your asshole. This method is tried and true, assuming you are approximately the same girth and volume of a five-gallon ice cream container. If not, please refer to methods one (1) or two (2).

The final and most obvious solution is to gaslight your peers. Walk through each section of the dining hall and ridicule each student for not knowing that this year, instead of the naked bike ride, UVM is doing the naked Simpson dinner. Use this as an opportunity to see your favorite cafeteria staff member undress. Using your best judgement, decide if you’d rather stay for the first annual naked Simson dinner, or brave the harsh and unforgiving tundra that is the UVM campus in February. I know which one I’d choose.

Should you wake naked in Simpson dining hall and live to tell the tale, please reach out to me at president@uvm.edu, as I’m always looking to improve this guide.

Categories: around town, february 22 2021