fruit & dicks

by salivapussy-eyes

samantha stillman

It is not often that I lament my lack of penis. More often than not, I find myself thankful that my genitalia is not particularly fragile in the face of aggression, nor are vaginas often the butt of jokes. Middle school aged boys do not tend to draw pussies on desks to mark their territory, nor on notes to distract from class. (I have mixed feelings about the lack of yonic doodling in schools, but I’ll save that for another article.)

For all of the love and appreciation I feel for my own pussy as well as others, I find myself humming Beyoncé’s If I Were a Boy. I don’t just feel this way when I walk alone at night. On long car trips, I see my friends pissing in empty bottles and I wish I had that kind of dextrous capability. Those with schlongs are never forced to squat in the dirt to pee. A man leaves a house party to take a leak in the yard, and I envy him. If I could piss anywhere, believe you me I’d piss everywhere.

Though it has been thoroughly discussed here, urine is not the only liquid associated with dicks. SEMEN! JIZZ! CUM! (Oh my!) Any and all of these can happen when you touch a cock. Although many vag-havers who have sex with dick-havers find themselves oft dissatisfied with their ten to fifteen minutes of abruptly concluded in-and-out, many also find themselves returning to fuck again. Why is this? Do people with vaginas find it fascinating that any organism can reach orgasm so quickly and easily? Are they envious? 

Admittedly, I’m somewhat jealous that a lot of people with dicks can so easily blow their load into anything that breathes and many things that don’t. Many of my pussy-having friends feel the same way I do, so I asked some of them to engage in a thought experiment with me:

If you had a dick, which fruit would you fuck?

Grapefruit: There are obvious benefits to the texture of this fruit, and the size makes it manageable to maneuver. Aside from that, grapefruit is a food that I would never desire to eat, so there’s no loss to me when I throw it out after I’ve fucked it. It’s easy to hit it and quit it– that’s important to me because I’m not looking for anything serious right now. Overall I’d give it a 7/10. (Three points lost because of acidity.)

Papaya: This fruit has a visual appeal similar to that of a pussy– something many fruits are regrettably lacking. This fruit also has a nice fleshy texture if it is ripe enough. With all of that in mind, I think I would have a fun time fucking this fruit. One downside would be the messy seeds. 9/10.

Banana: This was a fun role reversal. Instead of being the one to fuck the fruit, I would Be Fucked by this fruit. I think that for this endeavor, an underripe banana would be the most effective tool. It’s a nice idea, but it’s not dick-exclusive, which is the only reason why I’m giving it a 6/10.

Watermelon: If you have a massive schlong, this seems like the way to go. The fruit is soft, so that’s a plus. There are still some problems with this fruit, though. The first is that the fruit being so large makes it hard to maneuver. The second problem is that it would be sad to have to throw away all of that good fruit, but I guess if you’re enough of a freak, you could still eat it. 8/10.

Categories: february 22 2021, review

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