dick nixon for inspector of elections

by richardmilhousnixon

Yesterday I received my official mail-in ballot for Burlington VT, Ward 6. I didn’t ask for one, but apparently I have one anyways. As I read the candidates, I noticed there were three positions open for Inspector of Election, one for one year, with only a prog candidate, one for two years, with only a prog candidate, and one for three years, with nobody. 

I would like to be the Inspector of Election for the next three years.

Before you ask, I am qualified. I was the Representative from California’s 12th district from 1947 to 1950, before becoming a Senator from 1950 to 1953, when I became Vice President until January of 1961. Then, in 1969, I was inaugurated President! After that, in 1972, I was re-elected, and re-inaugurated in 1973. Clearly, I am qualified to inspect the elections of Burlington, Vermont.

But just one’s Curriculum vitae isn’t enough to deserve a vote. On a personal level, the candidate must appeal to the constituent. So let me get something out of the way:

  • The so-called “Watergate” scandal is not what you were taught in high school. It was a coordinated attempt by the intelligence community (CIA/FBI) to get me out of the presidency quietly. If you don’t believe me, just look at the resumes of the burglars… all FBI, CIA, and anti-Castro Cubans (CIA assets). Watergate reporter Bob Woodward also worked for the Office of Naval Intelligence before coming to the Washington Post with only one year of journalism experience.

Instead, why don’t we focus on the highlights of my career. It was under my administration that the EPA was introduced. This is something that I know is meaningful to a lot of people in the state, and I am solely responsible for it. Could you imagine some heartless creep like Lyndon Johnson or that bastard HW Bush putting forward legislation to preserve the environment? Absolutely not. Unlike the rest of your politicians, I’m not some cold-blooded psychopath who’s hell-bent on furthering his career. I’m a homegrown American boy from California who married a gal he met in community theater and joined the Navy in the war (not in Intelligence). I’m just like any of you, and I want to help our city’s elections stay safe in this time of national electoral strife. 

I know what it’s like to have an election stolen from you. All the way back in 1960, that smooth-talking hippy freak Jack Kennedy stole the state of Illinois from me through Mayor Daley and his Italian pals, if you catch my drift. Same thing happened in Texas with Lyndon, but I guess that’s not important. Unless you care about FREE and FAIR elections like I do.

To summarize my point here, I’m Richard Milhous Nixon. I was born a Quaker, married my sweetheart from theater, and fought to defend this country from Japan and the Nazis. While I was President, I enacted the Environmental Protection Act to keep our planet safe, and I would like to do the same in the role of Burlington Inspector of Election for Ward 6, on the three-year term. Thank you for supporting me in this journey, and I hope, for all our sakes, that I’m elected and can keep our elections safe.

Categories: february 22 2021, front page

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