As the citizens of Wuhan float in EDM wave pools and the intelligentsia of Melbourne knock-back shoeys, the United States remains in the grips of the COVID-19 pandemic.
As we approach the one-year anniversary of everything promised being flushed down the toilet, the Center for Disease Control has some promising news. And no, not the fact that wearing a synthetic mask underneath a cotton mask can reduce the risk of transmission by 95%. The CDC revealed in a statement that the novel coronavirus, and its growing number of variants, is impervious to the power of friendship.
“In our various studies at colleges across the nation, we have found little to no evidence that the virus exhibits friend-to-friend transmission,” said Dr. Jim Johnathan, head of the CDC’s Dormitory Investigation Commission. “It just seems to die off when it comes in contact with great vibes.” Dr. Jonathan is known for previously heading the CDC’s division that did not recommend using face masks until April 2020.
The update comes as a relief to the University of Vermont virus response team, whose move-in plan seemed to precisely account for these conditions. Why open dorms if people can’t socialize?
Local junior Ezra Halibut spoke to the water tower after learning of the breakthrough. “Yeah, that pretty much makes total sense to me. Back in the summer, we were throwing down at my grandparents on the Cape most weekends. Just me and the boys getting absolutely electric. We did take some precautions of course. Wrap em before you clap em, unless it’s Thursday,” Halibut recounted.
“Anyways, we were perfectly fine until Jared invited that chick Jessica and her friends from Kappa up. She was being a total bitch and the energy was completely off. I mean, who doesn’t like The Chainsmokers? Go figure, a few days later, the whole crib tested positive.”
This harrowing account pales in comparison to the University reporting over 100 new cases in the past few weeks, more than the entirety of the Fall semester. All signs point towards superspreader events such as doing work in the library, sitting in a 150 seat lecture with 20 people, and entering through an exit-only door.
“This discovery doesn’t mean this crisis is over. Viewing fellow students passively is still outrageously irresponsible—these are diseased intruders who have your worst intentions in mind.” Dr. Jonothan said.
If you are forced to be in a public place, there are still ways to protect yourself. “In the dining halls, pull up extra seats at a table to aid in forming an Iron Dome of Friendship. If you meet someone new, make sure to get as much face time as possible. A kiss on the cheek is a chic, European greeting that skips the acquaintance phase entirely. Conversation topics should be deep, late night talks, not like the bullshit that the rest of this generation focuses on.” Dr. Jonothan said. Topics of conversation can include the existence of aliens, vague outlines of democratic socialism, and “so, like, have you ever had sex before?”
We spoke with Kelsey Fishscale, prominent social mover and Depop mogul, on how she’s been navigating this new world. I met her in an undisclosed location deep in the heart of the west side of the third floor of Harris.
“I’ve been masking up and staying in this whole time. I mean, there’s a global pandemic going on! These frat bros and their shriveled little frontal lobes are spreading their filth all over town, no regard for anyone.”
A gaggle of Sustainability vagrants paraded into the room, rings and chains clinking as they strode.
“I mean, I only see my roommates. And their friends. And some of their friends.” She explained. “They’re chill. It’s chill. We’re all in the same orientation group and are just really close. Last week, we took mushrooms and listened to Astroworld together. We experienced simultaneous ego death during the No Bystanders hook, so now we’re basically all the same person.” Her eyes went blank for a few seconds, studying something that this reporter couldn’t perceive.
“Hey Kelsey you mind if Ethan’s suite comes through tonight?” asked a collared shirt under a sweater. “He just got some Quaaludes from Johannesburg and a Docs folder of unreleased Tyler.”
“Sure, just make sure he turns off his Snap Map.”
All eyes turned to me, realizing I was still in the room. After I was quickly removed from the premises, I reach out to Ms. Fishscale’s office for a follow-up statement. Their reply, “And you’re so perfect?”
We are living in unprecedented times, Catamounts. Even the water tower’s foresight remains only two steps ahead of the rest. Remember to mask up, socially distance, and spread awareness of the virus. Unless, of course, you’re with your homies.
Categories: february 22 2021, savino barile, side bar